tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-39686598490542700432024-03-13T23:40:31.895-04:00Confessions of a Cranky IdealistBlog of homeschooling mother with tendencies towards peacemaking, pedantics, procrastination, and oversharing. Discussions featured include education, homemaking, religion, politics, mindless pop culture, children, causes, and rants that will likely get me into trouble. Come join me!Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09437650527778824442noreply@blogger.comBlogger46125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3968659849054270043.post-4107797006168118722013-03-12T23:40:00.001-04:002013-03-12T23:40:25.832-04:00*Stuff* Tallahasseeans Say<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Have you ever seen those hilarious videos on YouTube about "Stuff [Fill in the Blank] Say"?<br /><br />Here are two of my all-time faves:<br /><br />http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RVA-A0RqkhM<br />http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hUFL2GT1-2g&feature=share&list=PL09CCE065B7C58594<br /><br /><br /><br />Okay, so I was kind of in a creative mood several weeks back, and I made my own list for my hometown of Tallahassee. I must warn you: unless you have lived here for a few years, these might not mean much to you. But enjoy! Since I have no time to film them, you'll just have to imagine the context. </div>
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<br /><br />
</div>
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(on the phone) Yes, I know it looks
like a giant phallic symbol.
</div>
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<br />
</div>
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(in traffic) Traffic's horrible!
Students must be back.</div>
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(in traffic) I see reporters. Must be
time for Session.</div>
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(in traffic) Will this construction
ever be done? I'm just trying to get to the stadium!</div>
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I'll bet you that's a Miami driver.</div>
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<br />
</div>
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I miss Bobby Bowden.</div>
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(sadly) I miss King Love.</div>
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Ion Sancho's the MAN! (fist pump)</div>
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<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Are you going to TMH or Capital
Regional? (pauses, concerned) I wouldn't go there!</div>
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I remember when Governor's Square Mall
first opened.</div>
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I remember when Tallahassee Mall was
the PLACE to be!</div>
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I remember when the Northwood Mall was
a mall! We had, like, two restaurants then.</div>
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<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
(happily) My friend's son got into
SAIL!</div>
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(warily) My friend's son is going to
SAIL.
</div>
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What school are you zoned for?</div>
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<br />
</div>
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I am not gonna pick him up! He lives
all the way out in Killearn!</div>
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She lives all the way out on Highway
20!
</div>
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He lives all the way out to the
Miccosukee Land Co-op!
</div>
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I went to Woodville, and I got so lost.</div>
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<br />
</div>
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Dude, we can't go to First Friday
tonight. We're tailgating!</div>
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(movement Tomahawk Chop)</div>
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<br />
</div>
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(proudly) I just went to the Film
School for an audition. Yep.</div>
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I knew Creed before they were famous!</div>
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Has Gulf 104 always had the same DJs?</div>
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<br />
</div>
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Are you going to Springtime this year?
I am totally protesting the Andrew Jackson float again.</div>
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<br />
</div>
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Lovely. It's 80 degrees on New Year's
Day. That means we'll get carried off by mosquitoes this year.</div>
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(sick) My ALLERGIES are killing me!
</div>
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(thoughtfully) This time, I don't think
it's the pollen. I think it's mildew.</div>
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I don't know why you went outside then.
You know it rains at 3:30 every day.</div>
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A tree fell in my yard again.<br /><br />
</div>
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Are you going to New Leaf?</div>
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Are you going to Black Dog?<br />Are you
going to Bullwinkle's?</div>
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<br />
</div>
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I mean, I would go to Tom Brown Park,
but it's just so BIG.</div>
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Is Southwood considered its own
town?<br />Gotta go to Thomasville today. Gas is 10 cents cheaper
there.</div>
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<br />
</div>
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They sell Bradley's Country Sausage
here?</div>
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My momma used to run naked through
Landis Green.
</div>
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I remember when Tharpe Street was,
like, the edge of town.</div>
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THIS is the Democrat now?</div>
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<br />
</div>
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I remember Sunnyland. No joke: that
place was haunted.</div>
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I don't care what they're calling it
now. It's the JUNIOR Museum.</div>
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<br /></div>
Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09437650527778824442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3968659849054270043.post-85872907762755916992013-03-11T23:47:00.001-04:002013-03-11T23:53:54.148-04:00Why I Wear Modest SwimwearI live in Florida, where people swim outdoors for much of the year. Spring is approaching, we're going on vacation, and it's about time to get back into swimming mode. <br />
<br />
For several years now, I have avoided showing a lot of skin when at the pool or the beach. Sometimes, I have just worn a long dress or short pants and waded in the water rather than getting in a swimsuit at all. In fact, I don't think I've worn a swimsuit in the past two years. I do have one, though, and it would be considered a modest one. It looks somewhat like this:<br />
<img src="http://thumbs2.ebaystatic.com/d/l225/m/mwQe2z98n5rPxVtsOFkV0dw.jpg" /><br />
<br />
Part of the reason why I enjoy modest swimwear is that it is no fuss. I don't like to pull and tug at my swimsuit and worry about something coming off. I am usually chasing after kids, and the last thing I want in front of other people is a wardrobe malfunction when I'm bending over to pick up a wayward toddler. A modest suit is a practical solution.<br />
<br />
I am also pressed for time so I don't have the opportunity to worry about things like my bikini line. (Heck, I barely have time to remember to brush my teeth!) The modest swimsuit takes that silly worry away. Further, I don't like to get sunburned, and the more I can cover up, the less skin I have to slather with sunscreen.<br />
<br />
Finally, there is the matter of looking sexy. I don't come to the pool or the beach to impress anyone - man or woman - about how sexy I am. (Yes, you can laugh heartily at that.) I just want to swim and hang out, not show off.<br />
<br />
I'll admit, there is some controversy when it comes to women covering up. Some people fear that encouraging women to use modest clothing is oppressive to their freedom. After all, women should be supported in wearing whatever they want! <br />
<br />
I wholeheartedly agree. I have just seen both sides. When I was younger (and my body was much better looking, pre-motherhood), I enjoyed wearing more revealing swimsuits. I did all the time. In fact, when I was eighteen years old, my photograph was on a postcard, and I was wearing a yellow "slingshot" swimsuit that left little to the imagination. (Think of the movie "Borat" and that swimsuit. My apologies for the visual! Also, only search for the term "yellow slingshot swimsuit" at your own risk.)<br />
<br />
I liked the way I looked then, but in the end, I didn't like all of that attention and pressure put on me. Even then, I still mostly wanted to swim and hang out, not worry about what was *hanging out* on me. I would rather leave more to the imagination now. I am married, and frankly, my husband has seen it all before.<br />
<br />
I can't say that I would necessarily wear a very modest swimsuit like this one, but I do like the high SPF of the material. No need for much sunscreen! <br />
<img height="200" src="http://www.swimoutlet.com/photos/options/27951-22824.jpg" width="177" /><br />
<br />
<br />
Bottom line: wear whatever makes YOU feel beautiful, comfortable, and secure. I will wear something modest, because that is what I enjoy.<br />
<br />
For more: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/21/modest-swimwear--_n_1590746.htmlMelindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09437650527778824442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3968659849054270043.post-57688385427736658892012-08-22T13:33:00.000-04:002012-08-22T13:33:32.369-04:00Homeschooling Preschoolers in a Multi-Age SettingOne of the things that we love about homeschooling in our family is that the lessons can be customized to suit the individual needs of a particular child. Yet how does one homeschool several different children in a family - most of whom are too young to work independently - while still ensuring that all of the children's individual needs are met? <br />
<br />
It does not always work perfectly for us; sometimes the ideal and the practical do not meet. When I need to concentrate on helping the only "registered" homeschooled child in our family (the now-7-year-old, Charlotte), I find something to distract the younger children. There are days when my 2-year-old (James) and 3-year-old (Josephine) are occupied by PBS programs on the computer while I tutor my oldest and nurse Thomas, the baby. We also have a collection of toys and projects and busy bags that do keep the little ones occupied for awhile. Further, we are teaching the 3-year-old how to read so that she can do more work independently and eventually read for her own pleasure. This is not an ideal situation by any means, but sometimes necessary with more than one child.<br />
<br />
That said, there are some days - some magic moments - when everything does come together nicely, and all of the kids are learning simultaneously in the same room (while the baby watches or sleeps). While most of our homeschooling energies do go towards helping Charlotte, I feel that it is critical to keep the younger children involved and "schooled" in their own activities. Plus, part of homeschooling is about keeping strong family bonds, so getting the kids to work together and help each other is crucial. <br />
<br />
We call our preschool portion of the day "circle time" as it reflects how we gather. Josephine chooses the theme for the week; these lessons are geared towards her, as Charlotte has her own separate curriculum. Charlotte assists or simply participates as much as she wants, and I allow her to choose how she does this. James participates when his attention span allows, but he always stays in the room to at least be surrounded by what we are doing.<br />
<br />
I will give you an example from today, from the "circle time" part of our morning.
<br />
<br />
Our theme this week is Fish. We started by announcing that it is circle time and then doing a circle dance together to center ourselves. We then read a nonfiction book about the octopus (science) and a fiction book where fish were the main characters (literature). Charlotte read a book to her siblings. At this time, James started to lose interest (we got a late start), and so he went over to his alphabet puzzle and began playing with it and checking in with me, which was fine.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-YvFRHxEhYiE/UDUU9BvIAEI/AAAAAAAAAJU/FTlaJBwL4aw/s1600/photo+book.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-YvFRHxEhYiE/UDUU9BvIAEI/AAAAAAAAAJU/FTlaJBwL4aw/s320/photo+book.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Charlotte reading "The Rainbow Fish" to siblings.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Storytime then morphed into an exciting interactive discussion. We talked about what we learned regarding the octopus, and we remembered what happened when we went to the aquarium and saw some real octopus. We counted the legs of the octopus with James to reinforce counting concepts. [I quizzed Charlotte about the names of the oceans, reinforcing our geography lessons from her own curriculum.] We talked about how the octopus defends itself against predators, and what predator meant. We talked about how the octopus has no bones, and neither does the shark; at this time, both Charlotte and Josephine then discussed which fish they thought would have bones vs. no bones. Charlotte then reminded her siblings that they had learned that our bones bend at the joints, and they named some joints together.<br />
<br />
We are currently working on writing and spelling with Josephine, so she got out her magnet doodle board to learn her words of the day. She learned to write "fish" yesterday, and "water" and "shark" "eel" and some other words today. [Earlier in the week, Josephine had studied words with "sh" sounds.] Charlotte got out the chalkboard and began suggesting other "fish" names for Josephine to practice writing. This also helped Charlotte with her spelling and vocabulary as we thought of names together. After this, James started to get cranky, so we ended our "circle time" in order for me to prepare him for a nap.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1WB7zRM7t_4/UDUXl3eWueI/AAAAAAAAAJs/VnKLBdxkSrU/s1600/photo+write.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1WB7zRM7t_4/UDUXl3eWueI/AAAAAAAAAJs/VnKLBdxkSrU/s320/photo+write.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Josephine writing "shark" in upper and lower cases.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Later this week, we might watch kid-friendly documentaries on fish, and we will read some more fish books. I also plan to play "Go Fish" with Josephine today in order for us to learn more about counting by twos (math) and keeping score (math). I also plan to do at least one new writing word per day, in keeping with the theme. We will also continue to sing "fish" songs and make pictures of fish throughout the week. Each day will look different depending on our collective mood and time constraints.<br />
<br />
Basically, the gist of this is that the older siblings have things to teach the younger siblings, and they usually love doing it. Even the youngest siblings can be involved, even if they are not active participants throughout. With most themes, there are many different options that can keep the interest of all ages.Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09437650527778824442noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3968659849054270043.post-72260360159509012292012-05-15T15:20:00.000-04:002012-08-06T11:43:04.942-04:00Homeschool updateIt has been a long time since I posted something about our homeschooling efforts. Our approach has changed a few times, and frankly, due to time limitations and my exhaustion from the recent pregnancy, our homeschooling has been far less structured this year.
A few updates:
We joined a fantastic homeschool cooperative for preschoolers. Each month, we study a different theme, such as safety, or the ocean. It has been a wonderful opportunity for all of the kids, especially Josephine, who is three years old, to bond with a small group of peers and learn skills with them. We also have special outdoor adventure days, which gives the kids the chance to have some free play in a natural setting.
Charlotte began to take gifted enrichment classes each week at our local public elementary school. She was tested last fall and qualified as a gifted student, and the guidance counselor and the classroom teacher were able to work out an education plan for her. This class has a focus on science, math, and technology education, so the kids do experiments and learn how science and technology connect. Charlotte is the youngest student in the class; she already had friends from our neighborhood there, and the kids made her feel very welcome. We are excited to begin again in the fall!
We chose to do our annual homeschool assessment - required by state law - as a standardized test, rather than through a certified teacher. Charlotte took the Iowa Basic Skills Test at the school and had a good experience with it.Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09437650527778824442noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3968659849054270043.post-16873534205694515252012-05-06T10:45:00.000-04:002012-05-06T10:45:38.558-04:00Some Truths, According to Melinda[This should be subtitled: "Things That Change When You Have Four Young Children, One of Whom Is a Newborn, in the House" or something like that.]<br />
<br />
Greetings, readers! Since I last updated this blog, we have added a new person to our household: Thomas John, a precious baby boy. He was born by a relatively uneventful scheduled C-section. I promise to post his birth story here sometime, but with that, I would need to also post the very late birth stories of our other children, to be fair. (For the record, my oldest thinks that they all should be nicknamed: Lottie, 6, Josie, 3, Jimmy, 21 months, and Tommy, 5 days. Stubborn mama still calls them all either by their full first names, or by "sweetie" or "love" or some other term of endearment.) <br />
<br />
In the interest of saving time on this rare, quiet morning (big kids with their father, baby asleep), I will launch into my new post of observations. These are not Truths, but rather, Melinda's Truths. In other words, these are strictly my opinions, of course.<br />
<br />
1.<b> Recovering from a C-section sucks. </b><br />
<br />
To be fair, my recovery is actually going well. I was released from the hospital after two days, and I started to walk around as soon as possible. (My aunt, a rehabilitation nurse, advises this.) This week's experience has been much better than my last C-section, which was also my first surgery ever. At that time, I was thrown for a loop about what "surgery" meant for my body (ouch), and I ended up needing a blood transfusion. I foolishly didn't take any pain medication afterwards last time, and I don't know what I was thinking! (I wasn't trying to be a hero; I think I was worried that the pain meds would negatively affect the baby.) This time, I was prepared about what to expect, and things have gone more smoothly. <br /><br />
I am taking Ibuprofen on schedule, and that really takes the edge off the pain. The heavy, prescription pain medications like Percocet make me feel loopy, nauseous, and constantly sleepy. I guess that would be okay if all I needed to do was sleep, but with <i>children</i> in the house, I can't really afford to sleep all the time. I took a nap on my first day back from the hospital, and none since. I foresee another nap in my future maybe in 3-5 years. (Insert laughter here.) I just need a drug that will make me feel well enough to move around and not hurt, so Ibuprofen, with its anti-inflammatory properties, does the trick.<br />
<br />
I guess my point, though, is to compare a vaginal birth experience with a C-section experience. A vaginal birth has its downsides (bad contractions, unknown duration, soreness in the nether region, et cetera), but the recovery is a breeze compared to recovery from surgery, at least in my limited experience. With my vaginal births, I actually went on the subway - and hiked around a lake, for crying out loud - within the first 3 days. Perhaps those were taking things a bit too far, but it shows the difference. With surgery, I feel like I've been hit by a truck when I wake up. My incision hurts badly. My abdomen is sore. I have trouble bending, rising, and walking. I feel delicate all over. <br />
<br />
But this too shall pass. I made the decision, and things are going as well as can be expected. I'll deal.<br />
<br />
2. <b>My husband is my parenting partner first, and my romantic partner second.</b><br />
<br />
I know: we should make my marriage a top priority. I covered that subject in the last blog post. However, my husband and I - technically, with five kids that share our last name, and five birth experiences total - are wise enough now to know that romantic "couple time" will come eventually. Right now, we're in survival mode. My football-wise friends have compared it to us playing one-on-one with two kids to playing zone defense with four kids at home. <br />
<br />
Basically, we have to take turns with everything. I am on baby duty all night, and that is understood. This is because I have all of the nursing equipment. He is on big-kid duty all night, and that is understood. This is because he can easily get up to help them, and it currently takes me about five minutes to hoist myself out of bed, and that is only if the baby is still asleep. I have our big, cushy bed, and my husband has the living room couch. (With six people and three bedrooms, there is no "spare" room in the house.) <br /><br />Just in case you think that I have the harder job, I will tell you this: I nurse the baby and fall right back to sleep every time. Baby is happy, and I get a full night's sleep. However, my husband never knows when our toddler might wake up for hours on end (yikes), as has been the case during this transitional week, or when our preschooler might cry out during the night. On top of everything, my husband is a light sleeper and always has trouble getting back to sleep. So really, I have the easier job, at least for the time being.<br />
<br />
In a sense though, this whole experience is kind of romantic. It's a dance, and we take turns leading. During quiet moments, we both coo over the baby, or we share a funny story about the kids. During loud moments (most of the time), we see what needs to be done, and we do it. If one of us snaps at the other, it's understood: this is a stressful job. It's okay. We still love each other. It would be a bad sign, I think, if one of us were to completely disengage from the process and not understand what the other is going through. So for all the time that I complain that my husband doesn't do as much as I want him to do (or more aptly, exactly how I want him to do it), I must admit, he's a wonderful dad, and he's great with the dance. He also makes a mean cup of coffee.<br />
<br />
3. <b>Bringing home a younger sibling is a different experience than bringing home one's first baby.</b><br />
<br />
Obviously, by the time you have more than one child, you are more experienced, and you might tend to be a more relaxed parent. But there are other, more subtle differences. You have more than just a baby to worry about. You also have to consider the physical and emotional needs of the older children, and how their need for attention actually increases during this time. So, while you are exhausted from being the parents of a newborn, you have the daily demands of other child(ren) at home. They still need to be fed, read to, taken places, seen, heard, and loved. Children are the cure for laziness, even <i>deserved </i>laziness. In short, I don't know how the Duggars manage to handle everything. I am exhausted just thinking about it.<br />
<br />
You also know how to distinguish the good advice from the bad. You also know that it is impossible to completely spoil the children, because they all want all of your attention, and you simply can't accommodate that, so they need to be content and happy with what they can get from you, and from each other. But that's the exciting part: they do get a lot from each other! Older siblings have a way of growing up and becoming excellent helpers. In fact, I think that's the best course of action: make older siblings feel special and wanted by having them know how needed they are. You are the baby's parent, but you could never take the place of a sibling. (P.S. The children are also far more likely to copy an older sibling than to listen to what a parent says, so keep this in mind for future reference.)<br />
<br />
You also learn that most of the parenting magazines, while interesting reads, are mostly marketing tools for baby products that you don't need. There, I said it. They also follow a strict line about what the writers think should be normal, and they are geared toward a sort of average, mass appeal. So in other words, don't worry if you don't have that piece of equipment that every parent is supposed to have. Seriously, if you haven't used it, you probably will never need it. Keep it simple. <br />
<br />
We've never had a crib. We've used the same baby car seat for all of our kids, plus our two young nephews! We reuse clothes, even between genders, and get almost everything secondhand. Some of the baby equipment we had with the first baby - thinking that we might need it - has long been passed on to other homes. Keep it simple.<br />
<br />
4. <b>Priorities really do change.</b><br />
<br />
Sometime around the birth of my previous child, I decided that while my physical health was important, my physical appearance was way down on my list of priorities. Yes, I will bathe and smile and try to dress myself, but I don't care about looking fashionable. Heck, if I had time for that, then my house should also be cleaner, my kids should be happier, I should be having more sex, and I should have caught up with all of my correspondence. We make time for the things that are most important to us.<br />
<br />
Maybe in a few years, I'll look cool again. Right now, I don't, and I am perfectly fine with that. My husband is understanding, and he isn't going anywhere. If anyone else makes fun of my socks or my lack of hairstyle or my bad skin, so be it.<br />
<br />
I also don't understand the "I am bored" thing. There is too much work to do to get bored! Maybe I'm just getting old, but I think that we have enough free entertainment. There is also not enough money. We can raise four children on an adjusted annual income equal to 100% of the Federal Poverty Level - with no government or family assistance - because we try not to spend money on stuff that we don't need. It's not quite as simple as that, but saving vs. spending really does help, and it makes life less complicated when it works. Emergencies will always come up, and spending money on a whim never feels as good as being able to pay for an emergency without going further into debt. Just my two cents, so to speak.<br />
<br />
Well, I could go on about my opinions on controversial topics, or the fact that all newborns look like my late grandfather, but I will let this be. Many thanks for the gift of a healthy baby and a happy family.Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09437650527778824442noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3968659849054270043.post-18720097903157573542012-03-04T01:13:00.000-05:002012-03-04T01:13:51.964-05:00Marriage: How I Stay MarriedOkay. Whew.<br />
<br />
Let me just start by saying that I've been divorced before. (Engaged at 16, married at 18, separated at 19, divorced at 21. Did you catch all of that?) My husband has been divorced before. Heck, my own parents have - technically speaking - seven separate divorces between them. (Okay, so they were married twice to each other, so maybe that doesn't count.) All of my grandparents were divorced. Even a great-grandparent of mine divorced his first wife. Let's just say that I am very familiar with divorce.<br />
<br />
Yet I love being married! I believe in marriage. I remember wanting to be married since I was a kid. In fact, I think that marriage is so awesome that I would wish it for everyone who would want it. It's a precious gift to be so entwined and committed to another human being in a really genuine - and sometimes an emotionally, financially, and socially messy - way. It's a gift to grow a family with someone, to grow old with someone, and to be united with someone whom you can count on (as much as you can count on anything in life) to love and cherish you forever.<br />
<br />
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But the question remains: now that I have found the most wonderful person to spend the rest of my life with, how do I keep that alive? How do I prevent my marriage from becoming another statistic? <br />
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As if I had all the answers to this. (You're asking me, who's been divorced? Ha!) Well, here's how I do it... I do only what I know how to do.<br />
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1. Being grateful for my spouse. <br />
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Rather than complaining about all of the stuff my spouse does or doesn't do, I've tried to accentuate the positive and see what he does do incredibly well. It's not only the big things ("He's a great dad," "He's responsible with money and works hard," "He's very honest,"), but the little things ("He brings me coffee in bed every morning," "He does chores without being asked,"), or the not-often-noticed things ("He is law-abiding," "He respects women," "He doesn't get jealous," "He never criticizes my looks," and so forth). Making a laundry list of my husband's good qualities makes me realize how awesome he is. No, it doesn't mean that everything is perfect or that I should ignore the mistakes, but that, as a whole, I am extremely lucky.<br />
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2. Ignoring the small stuff.<br />
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So, my husband still leaves clothes lying around, and I am the one always putting away the laundry. I also am <i>always </i>the one who cleans the bathroom, sweeps the floor, and organizes the closets. Other than asking/reminding (not "nagging") him to do certain things, I can only shrug. After all, I am the one who leaves <i>him </i>to cook a decent dinner, to wake up with the children in the morning, to clear out the jungle-like backyard, and to pick up wherever I left off, whether it's with washing the dishes or washing the kids. If he can ignore the small stuff, then so can I. The underlying message is: pick your battles.<br />
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3. Holding both of us to a high standard.<br />
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When I say this, I am not referring to the little things (see above). I do mean a high standard when it comes to the big things, like being honest and respectful and loyal to one another. Some things don't deserve compromise. I wouldn't expect more of him than I would of myself. I think it's a sign of deep respect when you trust someone so much that you would expect the best. Going along with this high standard: we have to insist on trusting each other to do the right thing, even when no one is looking.<br />
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4. Making my spouse my best friend.<br />
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Yeah, I know it's a dumb cliche, but bear with me. I think that my husband is pretty darn neat. I would admire him even if we weren't a couple. He's smart, responsible, and kind. He listens to everything I have to say, even if (I am sure) some of it must annoy him to death. We communicate pretty openly; this leads to arguments, sometimes, but it also means that we also know where we stand with each other. There is no guessing, no manipulating, no game-playing with us. I actually really want to spend my free time with him, though not to the exclusion of other things that I enjoy. In other words, he is my best friend. That works well for us! <br />
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The rules we break:<br />
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1. Not going to bed angry.<br />
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Whoops. Yeah, that's happened. We'll have a late-night argument. He'll go to sleep, and I'll stay awake and pout in another room. I am not suggesting that this is a productive or mature way of handling things on my part, but sometimes, sleep is really what people need. The only thing worse than arguing is arguing when you are cranky and full of the burden of the long day. When you can sleep on it and wait until morning to "finish" the argument, you might then realize how silly it was in the first place.<br />
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2. Putting your spouse above your children.<br />
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This is controversial because I have many friends who would disagree with me: they say that it's always important to put your spouse first, because after all, you will be with your spouse for a lifetime (and made a vow for that), and if you don't preserve your marriage, it could hurt the family anyway. However, my position is that children should come first, period. They didn't ask to be born, and they have very little choice in the decisions we make for them. They are more vulnerable, and thus, we must always put their needs ahead of ours. Fortunately, my spouse agrees on this, and never asks me to put him ahead of our children. Yes, my spouse and I still honor each other, but for us, it works best if we remember who needs us the most.<br />
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3. Being stereotypically "romantic" to keep the spark alive.<br />
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I guess it depends on what one defines as romantic. If "romantic" means buying gifts for each other or dressing in sexy clothes or going for a weekend away, then we are horrible at being romantic. Besides my engagement ring, I can't think of a single piece of jewelry that my husband has ever purchased for me, or any gift, for that matter. However, what I define as romantic includes a good sense of humor, intelligent conversation over a cup of tea, being an awesome parent, and so forth. Further, he designed and sewed (by hand) our wedding clothes himself, so I have to give him major props. He also wrote me some really romantic poetry when we were dating. (It was well-written! Be still, my heart!)<br />
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4. Considering divorce as an option if things don't work out.<br />
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Honestly, even in those moments when I am really angry to the point of wanting to break something (rare, but it happens), I've never for a moment thought about divorce. Really, I haven't. We've never brought up possibly ending our relationship. Why even threaten something that we wouldn't want? Things can't possibly be that bad. <br />
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Yes, in some relationships, things have gotten that bad, and for those, it is appropriate (or even necessary) to consider divorce as a possible or preferable option. (I am thinking of things like abuse, unrepentant adultery, major personality or criminal problems... you get the picture.) But to divorce a good person who is my best friend? I can't even wrap my head around that possibility. In some ways, perhaps the past divorces have actually protected us... we don't ever want to go through that again. Good marriage is too precious.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-t8GW7eru74Y/T1MFFwGZqiI/AAAAAAAAAI0/61cHd3mUi_I/s1600/PICT0038.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-t8GW7eru74Y/T1MFFwGZqiI/AAAAAAAAAI0/61cHd3mUi_I/s320/PICT0038.JPG" width="240" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>So, this is how we stay married: we love and honor our best friend. We do the Golden Rule thing (or at least, we try). We remember why we got married in the first place. We make the best of things. We listen to each other. We stop trying to win the game, and just enjoy playing it. We keep trying.Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09437650527778824442noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3968659849054270043.post-8111546268749827732012-02-07T13:22:00.000-05:002012-02-07T13:22:59.758-05:00Fostering Close Sibling RelationshipsMy three kids - currently ages 6, 2, and 1 - are very close. They often play, learn, read, eat, bathe, and snuggle together. The girls share a bedroom, as will the boys (including soon-to-be-born baby boy). I have homeschooling to thank for some of that, as they get a LOT of time together. <br />
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<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">In addition, I think that each child relishes and celebrates her/his role in the family. For example, my oldest child loves to be the big sister. She takes her responsibilities seriously and she will often insist on helping her younger siblings. It's part of her very identity. That feeling has been passed down to the middle sister, who enjoys helping her younger brother. </div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cNiES9wFCK4/TzFrGRO6IoI/AAAAAAAAAIg/KUd3SZT1lkw/s1600/100_6430.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" sda="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cNiES9wFCK4/TzFrGRO6IoI/AAAAAAAAAIg/KUd3SZT1lkw/s320/100_6430.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">However, that does *not* mean that there isn't conflict, of course. I can't think of any living situation in any household that completely lacks conflict, much less where young children are concerned. After all, the siblings must share the attention of their parents and all of the resources of the home; that is hard to do, even for grownups. In particular, the two little ones of mine are so close in age that they have to compete more for the same toys.</div><br />
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Sometimes, a bit of intervention is necessary. I can think of at least three major ways in which parents can help siblings can nurture and foster their closeness in a family situation, no matter what the age difference.</div><br />
1. <strong>Have the siblings each contribute to the household responsibilities.</strong> I always say that if a child is old enough to walk, a child can help do chores! Children should be given special, age-appropriate jobs that show that their role is important. <br />
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So at our house, my 1-year-old helps pick up his toys, or I might ask him to throw something in the garbage can. In addition, my 2-year-old also puts her dirty dishes in the sink, puts her dirty clothes in the laundry, and might help me wipe off a surface (and so forth). My 6-year-old does all of the above, plus she might help me vacuum, sweep, dust, put clean laundry away, organize items, and more. A formal chore chart will probably be put to use someday, but so far, we've handled it casually.<br />
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Not only is this helpful to promote the trait of responsibility, this has the added benefit of assuring older children that their younger siblings aren't getting off the hook just because they are younger! (Equality is everything to a kid.)<br />
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2. <strong>Have the siblings help each other.</strong> Please note that this is not to be confused with "have the older children parent the younger children" or any situation where any child is burdened with undue responsibility. While I do expect the older children to help the younger children to an extent, I do not think that it's appropriate to have the older children help to the point of unfairness. After all, our kids can't help their birth order... we chose to be parents, but they did not choose to be siblings.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-iCq2pPuR1yk/TzFqgt1iu_I/AAAAAAAAAIQ/Mo8o4KVCTN0/s1600/100_6597.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" sda="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-iCq2pPuR1yk/TzFqgt1iu_I/AAAAAAAAAIQ/Mo8o4KVCTN0/s320/100_6597.jpg" width="320" /></a><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-z17i06nSxrc/TzFrCYmRGpI/AAAAAAAAAIY/uH1b2WZJjio/s1600/100_6453.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" sda="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-z17i06nSxrc/TzFrCYmRGpI/AAAAAAAAAIY/uH1b2WZJjio/s320/100_6453.jpg" width="239" /></a></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">That said, I think it's a wonderful thing when siblings choose to help, teach, and encourage one another. My oldest daughter regularly reads to her younger siblings: an important job that they all enjoy. She has also taken it upon herself to feed, bathe, dress, and otherwise "take care" of them. She might also take her sister to the potty or get asked to play with her brother while I get something urgent done. My oldest takes great pride in these jobs. I know that if she ever resisted helping, that would be a red flag that she was doing too much or felt that she wasn't getting her own needs met. <br />
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Encouragement is something that siblings of any age can give to one another. For example, if an older sibling accomplishes something big, have the younger child(ren) celebrate this by cheering for the older sibling. Model this encouragement and mutual respect, and it will come back tenfold.</div><br />
3. <strong>Play games and do activities that will promote equal roles.</strong> Google "cooperative" or "non-competitive" games to see some of the games that have been done that emphasize the importance of every role, rather than having the most "able" person win. Given the different ages and talents of siblings, you can see how competition - even casual, inadvertent competition - can pull them apart.<br />
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<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">One simple game has variations that can work with siblings from tots to teens. It involves taking turns to finish a story. Older children can do this by starting a made-up story and then passing it along to the other siblings (and parents, should they participate), back and forth. The "rules" are that the kids can't interrupt each other or make fun of the other's contribution, and that they need to take turns at a reasonable pace. Otherwise, the story can take any path it wants!<br />
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I recently did this with my two girls using a felt board with story characters, but it could also be done as a chalk picture or a painting (like cooperative art). They had to take turns, and they couldn't move what was already placed there. In the end, the game morphed to where my 2-year-old was choosing the felt pieces, and my 6-year-old was explaining their context in the story. Still, the end result was achieved: they both felt that they contributed to a creative story in their own ways.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HG9WrMrsMCc/TzFnLWKX5NI/AAAAAAAAAIA/LMd8Qt-m_WI/s1600/100_6656.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" sda="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HG9WrMrsMCc/TzFnLWKX5NI/AAAAAAAAAIA/LMd8Qt-m_WI/s320/100_6656.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;">You could also have games where the children build a structure together out of blocks, or rhyme each other's words, or make up an obstacle course together, and so forth. You can also split chore duties - one could wash the dishes, while the other dries. The possibilities are endless.</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div>As I tell my kids, their siblings are their best friends for life. They will be the ones to help them navigate growing up and growing older; they will be there for each other when mom and dad are gone. They have a deep need to trust, love, and help one another. That is non-negotiable. Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09437650527778824442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3968659849054270043.post-70517881534848359572012-01-24T13:39:00.000-05:002012-01-24T13:39:40.905-05:00"Those who oppose PRAYER in schools are ENEMIES of America!"I was in a parking garage this morning, preparing to go to a doctor's appointment, and I saw hundreds of other cars: old cars, new cars, big cars, little cars. However, one car caught my eye: it was an older-model beige sedan that had on its bumper a single sticker, with black letters on a yellow background. It read: "Those who oppose PRAYER in schools are ENEMIES of America!"<br />
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I scrunched my brow and gave this a moment of thought. It was a shocking message, almost Stephen Colbert-like in its extremism. I tried to imagine what would lead a person to proudly display a single sentiment like that on his or her car. The sticker didn't say that those who oppose prayer in schools were "wrong" or "misguided" - no, it called those people "ENEMIES" of our nation. Wow.<br />
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Did they mean enemies, like terrorists or seditionists? For following the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution? *scrunching brows again*<br />
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But first, <em>what about</em> the Constitution? <br />
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I first imagined that this person with the bumper sticker was probably a right-wing conservative, but frankly, most of my right-wing conservative friends are libertarians and defenders of the Constitution, and they would be quite happy to keep their government out of their religion. <br />
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In our First Amendment, as we all (should) know, it says: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof..."<br />
There are two facets to this: the Establishment Clause and the Free Exercise Clause. The former is, basically, freedom <em>from</em> an imposed government-established religion, and the latter is freedom <em>of </em>religion, to practice the religion of your choice. Both have their limitations in different circumstances - for example, I can believe in vampirism all I want, but I can't practice that as a religion if it involves hurting others - but both are explicitly protected in general circumstances. <br />
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The Constitution was meant to be a limit on government, while upholding the rights of the nation's people. We want a nation ruled by moral, but rational, law that honors the wishes of the majority while continuing to uphold the rights of the minority. Once the government sticks its proverbial nose in religious practice, all kinds of bad things can happen. What if the government decided that Scientology or Santeria was the way to go, or that those who weren't Christians were heretics who should be burned at the stake? (Didn't the "war on terrorism" begin as a fight against a violent theocracy in a faraway land? Or something similar, I am told? But I digress.)<br />
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It's true that having prayer in the public schools is <em>not</em> exactly the same as having a state-sponsored or state-mandated religion. However, it comes awfully close, which was why school-sponsored prayer time was taken away in the first place. When school prayer was first practiced, we lived in a more homogeneous society. Yet now, the United States of America is, more than ever, a pluralistic nation. Yes, we are filled with self-identified Christians, and our culture is overwhelmingly Christian in nature. But think of the many millions of people who do not identify as Christian, or as any other religious faith, for that matter. Think also of the many different kinds of Christianity there are. What kind of Christian prayer are we talking about here? A Protestant prayer? A Catholic prayer? Something that talks about God the Father, or Jesus alone? Who decides what kind of prayer to use - the majority of the community? But what if you lived in a school district that was predominantly populated by a religious group that was different than your own?<br />
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Very interesting map with unexpected results from religious institutions: <br />
<a href="http://www.valpo.edu/geomet/pics/geo200/religion/adherents.gif">http://www.valpo.edu/geomet/pics/geo200/religion/adherents.gif</a><br />
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U.S. Census data on <em>self-identified</em> religious adherents: <a href="http://www.census.gov/compendia/statab/2012/tables/12s0075.pdf">http://www.census.gov/compendia/statab/2012/tables/12s0075.pdf</a><br />
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Second, does "prayer in schools" mean that prayer should be allowed in public schools?<br />
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Prayer <em>is</em> allowed in schools; in fact, the practice is protected under federal law. Any public school student is permitted to pray, read scripture, or engage in devotional time or religious study (et cetera) with fellow students in an unobtrusive manner during noninstructional time (such as lunchtime, recess, or after school). In other words, if your child wants to say grace before snack, read the Bible on the playground, hold hands and pray around the flagpole... all of that is allowed and protected, and is considered the right of the student to do so, as long as the student's practice does not interfere with the rights of other students. <br />
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Extracurricular groups/activities that involve religious content (Fellowship of Christian Athletes, Bible Club, Muslim Student Union, whatever) are also allowed in schools and are to be given equal access as nonreligious extracurricular groups as long as they follow the same guidelines as the other groups. Schools may disclaim sponsorship of these groups, and schools may not show favor towards a particular group.<br />
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However, as is to be expected, the teacher or administrative authority figure is not allowed to lead the students in prayer in public schools, to require particular religious adherence, and so forth. Interestingly, the teacher is allowed to lead studies in religious scripture for students (such as the historical significance of the Bible), as long as it is in a prescribed academic manner, rather than for devotional purposes.<br />
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Obviously, one of the controversies involves prayer led by sports coaches, principals, or graduation speakers while at public school-sponsored events. When is public prayer a matter of decorum, and when does it run afoul of civil rights? This is a question still being addressed.<br />
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More info: <a href="http://www.allaboutpopularissues.org/prayer-in-school.htm">http://www.allaboutpopularissues.org/prayer-in-school.htm</a><br />
Third, prayer in <em>what</em> schools?<br />
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Only the public schools are affected by the "no (state-sponsored) prayer" laws, as public tax dollars pay for them to operate, and those schools are open to all. However, a private religious school of any faith or denomination is allowed to lead, promote, or mandate prayer in any way that it sees fit. In addition, any parent who wishes to homeschool his/her children in any of the fifty states is allowed to do the same, of course. As a parent, if you choose to educate your child(ren) or hire someone else to do it, then you can have your child pray and practice any religion of your choosing at any time of the school day. <br />
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So, really, there is absolutely nothing that would limit a student's right and prerogative to pray. For me, as an advocate of personal prayer and a student of the Bible, I like how there is no prayer in schools. We homeschool, but even if we were to send our children to public schools, we would still have family prayer and devotional time outside of school. <br />
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But I've heard this message before. More than one elderly relative has cried, "Since prayer was removed from the public schools, look what a mess they've become!" Er, what about social dislocation, family issues, lack of investment in education, and a whole slew of factors that have negatively affected schools? Or what about those things that have made some aspects of the schools much better in the last century?<br />
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I have a prayer for our nation: it's that we honor the rights of others to practice their faith (or no faith) how they see fit. We spread our religious faith not through state-sponsored mandates or through the rule of the authority of the majority, but by the good example of our actions.Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09437650527778824442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3968659849054270043.post-8789917866571117042012-01-13T14:30:00.000-05:002012-01-13T14:30:54.680-05:00How to Teach Your Preschooler to WriteA few things, right off the bat:<br />
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1. This post is for all parents, no matter what form of education they choose for their children, though homeschooling parents might take a more formal interest. I usually don't write homeschool tutorials because, frankly, there are oodles of fantastic blogs out there written by parents with lots of great, creative tips, and I think they've covered almost everything. It's like writing a cookbook: unless you have a special niche, your knowledge has probably already been shared before. Not that I shouldn't share this anyway, of course, but I don't feel qualified to reinvent the wheel.<br />
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2. This post doesn't mean that your preschooler will learn how to write all of the letters in a week or a month. Every child has his/her own pace and style of learning. This is just to give parents a few ideas if they want to encourage their child to learn to write, assuming that the child is ready.<br />
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3. I am not a professionally trained writing teacher. If you know of a better way, then by all means, use it! Share your thoughts! I also want to stress that I don't think that preschoolers *should* learn how to write at a very young age, but if they are ready and eager, they should be able to have the option to try.<br />
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Okay, all of that said, the first question: Is your preschooler <em>ready</em> to learn how to write? The following things should be in place before trying to write:<br />
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1. Child can easily recognize all of the letters of the alphabet.<br />
2. Child has developed an array of fine motor skills, such as properly holding a fork or toothbrush, putting pegs in holes, and so forth.<br />
3. Child shows an interest in writing, such as wanting to copy pictures or pretending to write.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">When my oldest child was three, she was in preschool full-time. The teachers were telling the children stories about why each letter had its unique shape. (A clever idea!) However, my daughter didn't want to sit down and learn how to write her name until the older girl whom I mentored had shown my daughter how she wrote <em>her </em>name. Seeing the example of another child was enough to make my daughter want to learn more... which is often how these things start, of course.</div><br />
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Writing is learned like most other things: by being interested in learning, and through practice. Just like my older daughter doesn't learn her piano songs until she wants to learn them and practices playing them, my younger daughter doesn't learn to write letters until she wants to learn them and then practices writing them. It's that simple. If one of those elements is not there, at any age, then the child is not ready. My 2.5-year-old (a lefty) can now write most of the letters of the alphabet, but that was because she showed an interest and wanted to be a big kid, like her sister. It takes me sitting down with her and practicing when we have some free moments... and patience from the both of us.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div>As a mom/teacher, it's up to me to encourage the child's interest and frequency of practice, and if necessary, to alter my approach. For example, as I've written before, my older daughter seems to be more visual in her learning style. She needs to see (or now, read about) something to learn it. However, my younger daughter seems to be more kinesthetic in her learning style: she needs to touch it, feel it, experience it. The two styles are not mutually exclusive, but for me, it's easier to know my child's strengths in order to teach them in the best way. <br />
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<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Okay, so how do we go about actually teaching the writing? If you're starting from the beginning, I would do the easiest stuff first. In a fun, stress-free environment, I would have the child start copying the basic shapes on a piece of paper: a circle and a straight line, and then a half-circle. If the child can easily write a circle and a straight line, the child can learn to write capital letters such as: I, L, O, and T, and then branch out to A, C, E, F, G, H, Q, V, and X. Once those are mastered, then try the more complex straight-line letters, like M, N, W, Y, and Z, and then save the "curvy" or combination letters for last: B, D, J, P, S, and U. I personally found that K and R were the most hard to get right, but that might not be the case for all kids! Writing diagonally takes practice and strong motor skills.</div><br />
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Once many of those have been mastered, then you can start on the lower-case letters. The child should easily be able to write o, l, i, and t, and then the "smaller versions" of the capital letters if they are similar. Pay special attention, of course, to the b, d, p, and q, as these are often confused. </div><br />
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">You can begin by writing the letter a few times to show the child how you would write it, and then let the child try. The child might want to copy over your letter or just free-style the letters on the paper. Give a little bit of correction if needed ("The L has a straight back," "The G stays open," et cetera), but mostly, don't interfere. We're not looking for perfection, just practice.</div><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fpjGRn80g0o/TxCAJR76KwI/AAAAAAAAAHQ/IHHfyhhTBv8/s1600/100_6413.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" kba="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fpjGRn80g0o/TxCAJR76KwI/AAAAAAAAAHQ/IHHfyhhTBv8/s320/100_6413.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This magnetic slate with examples of letters was a thrift shop find!</td></tr>
</tbody></table> <div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">To keep the child's interest, I would use a variety of different media to practice the shapes, including paper, chalk, paint, a magnetic slate (particularly useful tools for the visual learner), and even sand or flour (particularly useful for the kinesthetic learner). Tracing paper could also be a huge help for some children. Also trace letter puzzles, cookies, magnets, and so forth with fingers. For auditory learners, try making up stories about the letters ("B has a big belly!") or using sound effects ("Wee goes the C!") whenever appropriate. Invite your child to do the same. For those who watch videos, Sesame Street seems to be the gold standard when it comes to describing letter shapes. Verbally reinforce the unique letter shapes when you read a story or see an interesting sign. </div><br />
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">In the meantime, strengthen those fine motor skills and hand-eye coordination with dot-to-dot puzzles, lacing cards, sign language, and all of those cool learning toys your child got last year. Then practice a little at a time. Before long, your child will probably start writing letters on his/her own time. Just don't push it. If your child starts to fidget and lose interest, put the lesson down and do something else. The last thing you'd want is for learning to be a chore for the child. Good luck!</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"> </div><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-c9eZEoK2Vgo/TxCAy-WrrJI/AAAAAAAAAHY/EfpFDrRTKrA/s1600/100_6305.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" kba="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-c9eZEoK2Vgo/TxCAy-WrrJI/AAAAAAAAAHY/EfpFDrRTKrA/s320/100_6305.jpg" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Having big sister teach little sister how to write...</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DupgSFkYT6w/TxCBLLCTupI/AAAAAAAAAHg/chZKo-87PjI/s1600/100_6306.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" kba="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DupgSFkYT6w/TxCBLLCTupI/AAAAAAAAAHg/chZKo-87PjI/s320/100_6306.jpg" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">...makes little sister an eager learner!</td></tr>
</tbody></table> <div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09437650527778824442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3968659849054270043.post-22227674770821237262012-01-11T23:49:00.000-05:002012-01-11T23:49:21.798-05:00Beauty and Body Image (AKA Embrace the Dinosaur)I hate having my picture taken. There, I've said it. <br />
<br />
I went from being a camera-mugging child to an attention-seeking young adult cheesecake model to someone who hates having her picture taken. I mean, if I happen to be very well-rested and well-groomed and not pregnant, and looking from a certain angle with the right lighting, I can look halfway attractive. In a picture.<br />
<br />
Now, now, I know what you are thinking. My polite friends will respond, "No, you look wonderful! What are you talking about? You glow!" My realistic friends will respond, "Well, you don't look perfect. But you're pregnant and tired right now. So what?"<br />
<br />
While I love my friends to death, I am not looking for reassurances or flattery. I am looking for permission: I want to be told that I don't have to look "beautiful" (whatever that might mean) and still feel great about myself. Because I <em>do</em> feel great about myself. I am happy, reasonably healthy, extremely fortunate, and probably more confident now than I have ever been before in my life. The older I get, the less I feel that I have to prove to everyone, at least when it comes to outward appearances. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YsuVKU1M9Bc/Tw5fZ5TLgGI/AAAAAAAAAHA/QUcBwHnNDWU/s1600/Melinda+rose+-+eye.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" kba="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YsuVKU1M9Bc/Tw5fZ5TLgGI/AAAAAAAAAHA/QUcBwHnNDWU/s320/Melinda+rose+-+eye.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I must admit, when my husband took me out for our anniversary, I felt beautiful that night.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<br />
But what does my inner voice say about the "negatives" of how I look? I'll list a sample of complaints: <br />
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">1. I have a belly, butt, and boobs that have now been pregnant five times in six years... with huge weight gain, weight loss, and breastfeeding. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what that would make my body look like. Copious stretch marks are one thing, but the flabby, toneless skin and wrinkly belly? I will never wear a bikini again.</div> <br />
2. Put that on top of a body that was pasty and fleshy, with spider veins and cellulite before the pregnancies ever began. (A homeless man at a bus stop once stopped to tell me, "You need to get a tan!")<br />
<br />
3. Almost constant acne blemishes that I've had since childhood. Plus, chicken pox scars, moles, wrinkles, and ever-so-lovely excess facial hair.<br />
<br />
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">4. Toenails that look ghastly. You will never see me in a pair of sandals, flip-flops, or open-toed heels. (Twice, dear friends have taken me to a salon to treat me to a pedicure, and I was so embarrassed that I refused and got a manicure.)</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div>5. Tooth problems, including crooked front teeth that cause me an inordinate amount of embarrassment.<br />
<br />
Things could be worse, but let's just say that I won't be winning any pageants anytime soon.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FR12PQDoKAM/Tw5e1Rddl6I/AAAAAAAAAG4/cBw4xuGWNbo/s1600/Picture+063.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" kba="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FR12PQDoKAM/Tw5e1Rddl6I/AAAAAAAAAG4/cBw4xuGWNbo/s320/Picture+063.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I want to feel like the dancer on the right.</td></tr>
</tbody></table> <div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Sure, there are things that I could easily do to make myself look better, if I tried them. I could get more sleep, get more exercise, drink more water, eat better foods... and actually condition, cut, and style my hair one of these days! I could also wear stylish clothes that matched and fit me well. Heck, I could shave my legs, tone my skin, and wear makeup. I mean, even if I didn't personally care how I looked, everyone knows that people - even nice, nonmaterialistic people - judge appearances. It's just a fact of life. If I look less attractive, people might unconsciously perceive me as being older, poorer, less competent, less popular, and less desirable. (Plus, I am a woman. This counts more.)<br />
<br />
But the truth is, I don't care. No, I am not depressed. No, I haven't "let myself go" like the stereotypical housewife label said would happen. (So don't go feeling sorry for my husband, who is satisfied with me, thankyouverymuch.) I've just weighed the alternatives, and I don't think that those things are worth spending time and money on right now, even at the risk of being perceived as less attractive. I mean, I have daughters and sons who will be looking up to me to find out about what women are like. Should my example be that I spent a lot of time on my appearance? As if it really counted?</div><br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SNH8vGeWrEA/Tw5cxA5flpI/AAAAAAAAAGw/RH6zQzpemjM/s1600/Me+and+baby+Josephine.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" kba="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SNH8vGeWrEA/Tw5cxA5flpI/AAAAAAAAAGw/RH6zQzpemjM/s320/Me+and+baby+Josephine.bmp" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Not a glam appearance, but a happy one.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">I also don't want to be lectured on how I should feel beautiful from the inside, or be told that there is womanly power in my stretch marks, or that gray hair and wrinkles are a sign of wisdom. No, I don't want this. Like I said, I don't need reassurance or flattery. I don't always feel beautiful, not to society or to myself. But that is okay. I don't get my self-esteem from that. <br />
<br />
How do I want to feel? I want to feel respected (and liked, I'll admit) by others. I want to feel that I am kind, honest, generous, friendly, hardworking, and all of those good things. I want to feel smart and capable of doing things by myself. I want to feel like I am a good wife and a wonderful mother. Is there a kind of beauty in that? Okay. <br />
<br />
I've had some friends who have had cosmetic procedures done (some surgically), and I must say, they do look great. They look beautiful - fresh and confident and sexy. That is great! If they feel better, then I am very happy for them. However, those procedures are not for me. I am what I am. If, in twenty years, that means turkey waddle on my neck, a head full of gray, frizzy hair, a bottom like the side of a semi, and teeth like a picket fence, then okay. </div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">I still feel sexy. Frankly, a lot of that has to do with the maturity and love of my feminist husband, who wants a kind, responsible, intellectual equal, and not a gorgeous, lusty co-ed. (At least, this is true 99% of the time, and I don't fault him for the other 1%.) Who else should find me sexy besides myself and my husband, who is the only one who has to sleep with me? Why should I bother looking sexy for strangers, friends, men at large?</div><br />
There was a time in my life when I did not feel this way. In my late teens and early twenties, I was eager to look desirable to everyone. I put a lot of money into making myself look good enough for auditions and any old classified ad modeling job, sketchy or not, that I could find. I wanted to look as sexy as I thought Marilyn Monroe looked, and so I put a lot of money into my looks to become - you guessed it - a Marilyn Monroe impersonator for hire. I thought that perhaps if I looked like her, then people would like me like they liked her. I was seriously insecure about myself... so much so that it wasn't even good enough to look like myself. <br />
<br />
For a very brief time, I almost pulled it off. But I still didn't feel any better about myself, because obviously, I could only keep up the beauty charade for so long, and it wasn't me. (I bleached my hair every week for a year!) Plus, the concept of beauty is a fickle thing, isn't it? For everyone who thought that my version of "Marilyn" was great, there were others who didn't like her looks, or who thought I looked nothing like her and wondered why I was even trying. For every modeling gig I got, there were 100 girls who looked far better than I did, and I hated myself for stooping to try to get paid when it was all a joke. Same with pageants: the only pageants I ever won were those "achievement" pageants that had no score for beauty. I couldn't win on my looks. Call it genes or call it laziness. It was just reality. <br />
<br />
But someday, age will catch up with all of us. We are either old, or we're dead. There is no shame in that.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1K7-Wt8fnys/Tw5a1FgRppI/AAAAAAAAAGQ/FPBeAEWzKps/s1600/100_0278.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" kba="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1K7-Wt8fnys/Tw5a1FgRppI/AAAAAAAAAGQ/FPBeAEWzKps/s320/100_0278.jpg" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">If my butterfly thinks I am beautiful, I am cool with that.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div>I still don't like having my picture taken, but I am worth more than the sum of my pictures. I want people to know that I have a great laugh, complete with an unladylike snort. I want people to know that I dance with wild abandon when I am hugely pregnant, and I look like a crazy fool. I want people to know that when I get out of the bath, I am smiling. <div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-6_6FRBSSc4M/Tw5hkyA0YLI/AAAAAAAAAHI/wr7TIj1_Aqs/s1600/Nana%2527s+photos+030.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" kba="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-6_6FRBSSc4M/Tw5hkyA0YLI/AAAAAAAAAHI/wr7TIj1_Aqs/s320/Nana%2527s+photos+030.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;">Let no one ever say that my smile is not big enough. It matches my joy.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><img height="96" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YsuVKU1M9Bc/Tw5fZ5TLgGI/AAAAAAAAAHA/QUcBwHnNDWU/s320/Melinda+rose+-+eye.JPG" style="filter: alpha(opacity=30); left: 404px; mozopacity: 0.3; opacity: 0.3; position: absolute; top: 334px; visibility: hidden;" width="72" /> <div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"> </div><div style="text-align: right;"></div>Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09437650527778824442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3968659849054270043.post-32101020701132252002012-01-10T16:32:00.001-05:002012-01-10T16:33:41.380-05:00The Horrors of Child Abuse - and the System's AbuseWhat I am writing now is one of the hardest things I've ever felt I had to write. It stems from circumstances from my childhood that have been reignited by the recent experiences of some of the very good, loving families that I know. A little background information is in order.<br />
<br />
First, I think it's critical to say that I think that child abuse and intentional neglect of any kind is absolutely morally repugnant. Obviously. Few things are worse in the world than a child suffering, especially at the hands of someone who is supposed to be that child's caregiver. As an industrialized nation, we've done a lousy job of taking care of children in vulnerable situations. Way too many children have "slipped through the cracks" when a call for help to the authorities was issued. As a result of this derelict of duty, countless children have died - or have had lifelong scars, literally and figuratively. As a society, we have failed our children. We have turned a blind eye.<br />
<br />
Incidentally, the BBC did a mini-documentary on child abuse in the United States (available to stream on their website). It is horrifying, but worth the watch to get some of the truth of what a bad job our nation is doing of taking care of its children in these circumstances. More general info: <a href="http://www.allvoices.com/contributed-news/10634876-bbc-americas-child-abuse-rates-worst-in-developed-world">http://www.allvoices.com/contributed-news/10634876-bbc-americas-child-abuse-rates-worst-in-developed-world</a><br />
<br />
Unfortunately, there is also the "flip side" of this horror, one that is the result of unmitigated, unwarranted vigilance that does not prevent children from being abused or neglected, but rather, tears loving families apart, ruins the reputation of good parents, and promotes instability and pain in the lives of children who should have never been involved in the first place. I am talking about the investigations of the Department of Children and Families (sometimes known in some states as Child Protective Services, or by a similar name). Why are they doing this? Well, after all, no state wants to be seen as "not doing enough" to prevent the epidemic of child abuse and neglect, so any investigation could easily be turned into a win for the prosecution with some exaggeration, hubris, and trick of the tail. The height of this was in the child abuse hysteria of the 1980s, which came almost as a backlash against all of the horrible denial of actual child abuse that happened prior to that time, when children's cries were not heard and the allegations were not believed.<br />
<br />
A famous example of that hysteria, in case we've forgotten:<br />
<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/McMartin_preschool_trial">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/McMartin_preschool_trial</a><br />
<br />
Now for my own personal history with this. When I was about my oldest daughter's age, a good friend of the family - a Jamaican immigrant who was an auto mechanic - was accused, by his estranged wife, of molesting their daughter. My grandparents, knowing what they did of their friend, could not believe that he was capable of doing such a horrible thing. What actually happened at their home, I frankly do not know. I wasn't there. However, there was strong reason to believe, based on other factors, that the friend's ex-wife was being vindictive. After all, if you hate your ex and don't want your ex to see your children, what better way to punish him than to accuse him of child abuse? Unfortunately, the family friend was only functionally literate, and did not understand the nature of the charges against him. He also could not afford a good lawyer who was willing to fight for him. My grandmother, who worked as a paralegal, did her best to file briefs, testify on his behalf, and so forth, but it was the friend's word against his ex-wife's. The friend went to prison and, to my knowledge, has not seen his children in over 25 years.<br />
<br />
My grandparents discovered that there were parents everywhere who had endured very similar investigation and prosecutions by what was then called, in Florida, the Department of Health and Rehabilitative Services. My grandmother, ever the advocate, founded a nonprofit organization in the late 1980s called Citizens for Reform of Child Abuse Laws. (Very little online presence of this organization remains, but I did find this: <a href="http://www.ipt-forensics.com/journal/volume3/j3_4_7.htm">http://www.ipt-forensics.com/journal/volume3/j3_4_7.htm</a>.) It was designed as a support and advocacy group for adults who felt they had been falsely accused of child abuse or neglect, or who knew people who had been.<br />
<br />
I went to these meetings as a child, and I remember some of the horror stories. One single mother of three had the authorities called because her youngest child - who was born premature, and remained very small for her age - had a "Failure to Thrive" diagnosis due to a slow growth pattern. This is supposed to implicate neglect, despite the fact that the little girl was well-fed and otherwise healthy. Other people were falsely accused of abuse or neglect because the child liked to play doctor, talked excessively about "caca" or other bodily functions, or fell down off a bike and broke an arm. Not a joke. You name it, and HRS had the reason to investigate and take your children away. An allegation was almost equal to the truth. What's worse, the abuse hotline was completely anonymous, even to the authorities. Thus, if you had a beef against someone for any reason (a gym teacher, a next-door neighbor, whomever) you could call the hotline, state a few suspicions, and have the authorities knocking at someone's door at any time. One of the bumper stickers they made read "HRS: Florida's Gestapo" - and that wasn't far from the truth. (Please understand: I recognize that most caseworkers are overworked and underpaid, and that they really want to help children. I don't mean everyone involved.)<br />
<br />
I remember reading the brochures from HRS about the signs of abuse. One sign could be that the child was too dirty... or too clean. Or that the child was very quiet and withdrawn... or too outgoing and attention-seeking. Anything labeled "out of the ordinary" was supposed to arouse suspicion. Then when it came to the investigation stage - well, forget the edict that one is innocent until proven guilty. Instead, for most people accused of abuse, the process was adversarial and frightening. One got the impression that the authorities came like big game hunters, looking for a prize to take home, and it was up to you to act cool and play dead.<br />
<br />
Some high-profile cases got the attention of the media and of lobbyists, and some of the more ridiculous laws were indeed changed. Now, it is a crime in Florida to falsely accuse someone of child abuse. It is hard to disprove good intentions, but at least the law is on the books. The abuse hotline (1-800-96-ABUSE) is also no longer anonymous to the authorities. The accused won't know who called, but the authorities are supposed to be able to trace the caller in case the allegation turns out to be patently false.<br />
<br />
In addition, unfortunately, some of the vigilance died down simply because the budgets shrank. I say "unfortunately" because it meant that fewer caseworkers were assigned to cases that truly needed attention, and some of the genuinely abused and neglected kids did fall through the cracks in the system. Plus, the way that I understand it, at least, the federal government provides about half of the funding for child abuse prevention in most states. The federal government's position is to generally try to get help for families and keep the families together. On a practical level: if all of the children were removed from their homes for minor cases where the parents could clearly rehabilitate/rectify the situation, the number of children in foster care would skyrocket, and the country could not financially afford it. The awful result is that some kids stay in situations that are NOT good for them because there is no money to further investigate. However, there are exceptions. In states like Florida, there seems to be a continued effort to go after families, even when common sense says it's not warranted.<br />
<br />
Several friends have been in these shoes. One person - who is an incredibly loving mom - was in the mall with her two young daughters. In a moment of defiance for not wanting to leave the play area, one of the daughters briefly ran off out of the mother's sight, so the panicked mother immediately sought the help of a security guard and police officer to find her daughter. The girl was found safe in a store just minutes later, and she was afraid that she was in trouble. This case was automatically deemed a "runaway" situation by the officer, and thus, the DCF authorities were called to investigate. The parents had to endure the scrutiny and indignity of having someone come over to ask them and their children all kinds of questions. (Parents, do you ever feel under pressure to get your house clean for guests? Multiply that by ten when the authorities come over.) The case was closed, of course, but it was enough to terrify the parents into thinking that their kids could have been removed from the home, even if only temporarily, for basically the mom trying to do the right thing. But this was very mild... the parents got to keep their kids.<br />
<br />
I will not illustrate any further case beyond that one in order to protect people's privacy. Many cases have been worse, where the parents have temporarily (for weeks or months) lost custody of their children because of, basically, a house that wasn't clean. These are children who are obviously very happy, nurtured, and well-loved. It makes absolutely no sense to disrupt these children's lives and put them into a situation where they are confused, frightened, and cared for by strangers when nothing bad actually happened to them. Why is the state spending time and money on these cases when there are children who are actually being abused and neglected? Where is the state then?<br />
<br />
With that, here are some of the ways that parents can prevent DCF from being called to investigate. Here we go:<br />
<br />
1. Don't be labeled weird. (It helps to look like a politician's family, but if not, then just look like you're always going to a job interview or a Gap commercial. Conformity rules!)<br />
2. Be an active part of a community organization, such as a church or a respected group. (Regrettably, live-action role playing groups are not deemed worthy enough for DCF's standards.)<br />
3. Be good friends with people who can help testify on your behalf, including doctors, lawyers, clergy, law enforcement, and people who are DCF employees.<br />
4. Keep your house clean at all times. (I don't care how many children or pets you have - that house needs to be immaculate. Now is the time to start worrying about dust bunnies, piles of laundry, and that junk mail stacked on the table.) <br />
5. Keep your house full of food at all times. (I mean, look like you are stocking up for a Thanksgiving meal. God forbid you are caught out before grocery day.)<br />
6. Don't have your young child run around naked or pantsless at any time. (After all, a child's desire to be free of clothing is akin to sexualization of a child. Of course, everyone knows that.) <br />
7. Take your child to the doctor regularly. (Are you neglecting the regular checkups? After all, what do you have to hide?)<br />
8. Don't take your child to the doctor too much. (After all, are you making your child sick or something?)<br />
9. Make sure that your child is independent, skilled, confident, and well-educated.<br />
10. Make sure that you hover over your child and make your child depend on your constant supervision (or else you are a bad parent).<br />
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If this makes sense, then you're safe. Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09437650527778824442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3968659849054270043.post-66039025784063323132012-01-09T13:00:00.006-05:002012-01-09T13:06:48.515-05:00Just What Makes a Child "Difficult"?<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-l2bSqfIJuLY/TwsYeisoMzI/AAAAAAAAAGA/Co4u29TJb0s/s1600/100_6335.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" rea="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-l2bSqfIJuLY/TwsYeisoMzI/AAAAAAAAAGA/Co4u29TJb0s/s320/100_6335.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Not wanting to have her picture taken.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
Just what makes a child "difficult"?<br />
<br />
I've been around kids all of my life, and I've pondered this question many times. Some kids would be labeled "difficult" by some people, like elementary schoolers who spent more time with the principal than at their own desks, or kids who were aggressive and hostile to the point of being criminal. There were also the so-called whiners, the spoiled brats, and the hopeless, and all of the other terrible labels that many children have endured over the years.<br />
<br />
Then there was my little brother, twelve years younger than I. Some would have labeled him as difficult. He was also labeled "gifted" due to his high IQ score and "ADHD" due to lack of attention in the classroom. My brother was restless, active, impulsive, fearless, defiant, aggressive, and seemed to be born angry. He once threw his bottle from his crib so hard that he broke the window. He would run and jump into anything dangerous, with no account for the consequences. He would knock children down on the playground, and hit, bite, and kick adults - even strangers in the store. He would throw wild, screaming, fists-wailing tantrums with plenty of profanity if he didn't get his way. The cops were once called on him, at age nine, for pulling out a knife on another child. It didn't help that he was huge for his age, and could intimidate other children with his size alone. <br />
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It was like he had taken steroids and then was shot out of a cannon, or that he was a lion starving for prey. Then when he realized that he had hurt someone and was getting called on it, he would break down and cry, saying what a horrible person he was. He was incredibly sensitive, and yet it seemed challenging for him to be empathetic toward others. It was a hard thing for his family to watch, and obviously it was hard for him to endure this pattern, day after day.<br />
<br />
Yet I noticed that he was actually attentive, thoughtful, and downright sweet when you just spent one-one-one time with him and listened to him. Paradoxically, he also seemed to appreciate firm boundaries. In other words, he would respect adults who were kind but who didn't put up with his bad behavior. It was sometimes hard for him, and you could tell when he was making an effort. We spent some really nice time together before I left home. I gradually began to see beyond the labels for him... the labels that extended into his adolescence... the behavioral traits that greatly intensified after puberty and got him into major trouble.<br />
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This label of "difficult" followed him around for years. I think that if we are assigned labels at a young age, we tend to live up - or down, as the case may be - to those labels. <br />
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It did not help matters that my little brother had me for an older sister. I was gentle, charming, cheerful, and people-pleasing. The most trouble I remember getting into as a child was when I was seven, and I absentmindedly walked away from my afterschool program with a friend, and we went down to the corner store for some candy without telling anyone. That got the cops called to the school, and a big spanking for me! But it must have been hard for my brother to live in my shadow, even years after I'd outgrown it. Even when adolescence was difficult for me, and I had my own pejorative labels assigned, it was still harder for my brother, a boy with a reputation for being difficult. <br />
<br />
I was reminded of labels recently when my grandmother witnessed the behavior of my younger daughter (2 years old) and compared it against the behavior of my older daughter (6 years old). My younger daughter, scared of falling out of the tree that she'd managed to climb up, began crying for help. My grandmother called her a "crybaby" for doing this. I feel that part of my grandmother's reaction was because my younger daughter is admittedly more adventurous, demanding, independent, and outspoken than my older daughter, and thus has the reputation for being "difficult" in my grandmother's eyes. My older daughter, on the other hand, has been labeled as cautious, responsible, and "easy" by my grandmother. So, therefore, any behavior that would reinforce the image/label that my grandmother already had for each great-granddaughter would serve, in her mind, as further proof that she was right in her assumptions. My grandmother has even said, on other occasions, that my younger daughter was mischievous for doing something quite age-appropriate and normal, and that my older daughter (who is her favorite, apparently) would never do such a thing. <br />
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I don't believe it, obviously. All of my kids have their good days and bad days, just like I do... like anyone else does, for that matter. Some things are easier for them than others. I sometimes wish that my grandmother could see the nurturing, maturing, and incredibly sweet nature of my younger daughter, who is neither mischievous nor difficult for me, whatsoever. Truly.<br />
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<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2-37Km7YKvw/TwsmdMUb6_I/AAAAAAAAAGI/2WnWQKWSMZc/s1600/100_6349.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" rea="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2-37Km7YKvw/TwsmdMUb6_I/AAAAAAAAAGI/2WnWQKWSMZc/s320/100_6349.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My precious little elves! They are best friends. Just ask them!</td></tr>
</tbody></table> But again, I ask: just what makes a child "difficult"? <br />
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Is it because a child is different when compared to other children? Because the child can be heard? Because the child is misunderstood? Because the child doesn't learn as fast as we would like? <br />
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Is it because we, as parents, just want to be left alone to get some sleep or keep our plans, and this child announces, "Here I am! Pay attention to me!" Is it because we, as parents, feel guilty for not disciplining our children better, or for not spending more time with them? <br />
<br />
Is it because we live with the labels from our own childhoods? Because we want to fit people, children and adults alike, into neat, convenient categories and stereotypes that reassure us about our assumptions? Because the child doesn't fit the mold that suits our desires? <br />
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I answer that parenting can be difficult, period. But children aren't.Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09437650527778824442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3968659849054270043.post-38091471080640157392011-09-12T10:43:00.000-04:002011-09-12T10:43:40.821-04:00My Crankiest Rant Ever.I am usually far more "idealist" than "cranky" in my life. I try to be a uniter, not a divider. But sometimes, I get pent-up frustration (like we all do) and I feel the need to vent. So, here is my unofficial "cranky list" of what has annoyed me recently. (I hope that no one will unfriend me after this!)<br />
<br />
Please note that I am not including any justified anger against injustice and cruelty, the kind of anger that spurs people into righteous action. These are just my pet peeves.<em> </em><br />
1. The folks who honk at me when I am trying to be a safe, prudent driver. Dude, I stopped in the road because there was a <em>stop </em>sign or a <em>red </em>light, or because someone was trying to turn in front of me, or because someone was pulling out in front of me, or because the traffic was going more slowly. Please don't honk at me or plow into the back of me. Just watch the road.<br />
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I see so many wannabe Nascar drivers on the road. Here's a little tip: if you want to get to your destination five seconds faster, why don't you leave five seconds earlier?<br />
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The next time someone honks at me for no reason, I will be tempted to get out of my car, look the person straight in the eyes, wave while grinning broadly, and say, "Hey, buddy! I thought I recognized you! Great to see you! Thanks for honking at me!" <br />
<br />
2. The folks who play their music way too loudly, whether in traffic or down my street in the middle of the night. Newsflash: your music isn't so wonderful that everyone within a 500-yard radius wants to hear it. Granted, it's your right, I suppose, to damage your own hearing and to pay a whopping sum for huge speakers. However, the next time I am sitting in traffic with my children and I hear profanity blasting next to us to the point where we can't hold a conversation, I think I will get out of my car and start dirty dancing in my Mom Jeans right in front of you. Your music isn't so hip now, is it?<br />
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But if I am awoken from a sound sleep because you thought you'd impress your friends with a 3 AM party in the suburbs, I will call the cops. You'd better hope that there's no underage drinking there.<br />
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3. People who are grumpy toward and suspicious of friendliness. When I smile and wave at you as we walk by each other on a sunny day, I promise that I am not trying to rob you or preach to you. Yes, I realize that we are probably strangers, even in this very small town of ours, but I just want to say hello. I promise.<br />
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4. People who think that they know everything about parenting. I am not talking about well-meaning advice that comes from experience, or the parents who really do inspire us, but about the people who are like, "My baby never cries. Yours does? Hmmm. You must be doing something wrong."<br />
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While I am on the subject: parents who think that catering to their child's every whim (not need, but whim) is a good thing. Where does this come from? Are we teaching kids that they should get everything they want in life? No, children need to learn patience, gratitude, and generosity... and parents who spoil their kids are doing no one any favors. (*I was spoiled as a child, and I had very few friends. Even my stepsister wrote me a card that said, "I love you, even though you are selfish." Do not spoil your children! Trust me on this.)<br />
You wouldn't "teenage" your baby, so don't "baby" your teenager. Give your kids everything they need... not necessarily everything they want. Helicopter parenting is bad. Lecture over.<br />
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But the worst would be the parents who think that their child(ren) are the only ones on the earth that matter. "I don't care that Mrs. Smith has 30 kids in her class. If she doesn't give my son 2 hours of one-on-one attention every day, I am going straight to the Superintendent! My son deserves this!" Yes, your child is special... and so is EVERY OTHER CHILD. That's right: other children exist, and their parents love them just as much as you love yours! Imagine that.<br />
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5. People who think that their choices aren't just the best for them, but that their choices are the only choices that reasonable folks could possibly make... and therefore, you are an idiot for making different life choices.<br />
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I know, this is a hard one... I know I certainly do it. This applies to everything from voting to vaccinations to vegetarianism, breastfeeding to big cars, circumcision to spanking. Strong opinions can make for some annoying self-righteousness. Everything should be prefaced with, "The right choice for <em>me/my family</em> was this, but..."<br />
<br />
That's like when it comes to homeschooling, I think it's the best choice for our family right now, but is it the best choice for all families? No way! Parents should get all of the knowledge available, weigh the alternatives, and judge for themselves what is best for their families.<br />
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However, that said, sometimes I think we NEED a little more judgment and opinions from honest friends. It's not being judgmental in the pejorative sense if you criticize someone while having good intentions. Maybe we should listen to other people once in awhile. Just a thought.<br />
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6. People from a group who think that because some people from another group condone or encourage their viewpoint that they are justified in hurting people from that other group. (For example: "Some people from indigenous cultures don't mind being exploited for profit, so it must be okay to exploit all people from indigenous cultures for profit!" Or, "See, our group isn't racist because 5 people of color think it's terrific! They must speak for everyone! We are immune to criticism now.") As if.<br />
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7. When the mailman puts the "Sorry we missed you card" in the mailbox in front of my house for a package delivery when we've been home ALL DAY... that annoys me to the hilt. So now I have to make a special trip to the post office and wait in line, all because you were too lazy to ring my doorbell? Dude, I realize that you must have a rough job sometimes, but you get some sweet benefits. Please stop and ring my doorbell. That's all I ask.<br />
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8. Women and men who spend hours each day and thousands of dollars on their physical appearance. Are you a model or entertainer? No? Then why spend your time and money worrying about what you look like, and then sigh about how much you can't afford to give time or money to charitable causes? Sure, it's well within your right to be vain, but I've got a newsflash: we're all going to die someday. Our bodies will rot. It's true. So why not use the time and money that you've been given to actually do something positive? Dude, no one cares about your stretch marks or your crooked teeth. We're all human beings.<br />
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9. People who take themselves too seriously. Oh, and nationalism. No further comment needed.<br />
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10. The whole religion vs. non-religion debate. Let's all make this clear:<br />
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Whether you are a Christian, an atheist, a Muslim, a pagan, an agnostic, or whatever: we all are equally wonderful and we all equally suck. You complaining about someone's religion or lack thereof is not going to change the person! You know what will change their hearts? Your positive example, that's what. People follow happy people. If you want to bring someone to your "side" on this issue, show the person how happy your choice has made you. If you're miserable yourself, do you think that someone would want to join you?<br />
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We're human beings. Don't try to play the self-righteous card and talk about how The Other is horrible, how The Other is the cause of all of our problems, how The Other just needs to get enlightened to your version of the truth or how The Other should just go away. We all need each other, like it or not, and the best thing you can do with this little time on earth is to realize that someone else has it worse off than you, so A) appreciate what you have and B) try to help people. Otherwise, what's the point?<br />
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11. Bloggers who think they know all the answers, and who think that people actually care about their blogs. How annoying! Oh wait, that's me...<br />
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Cranky's rant is over, for now. Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09437650527778824442noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3968659849054270043.post-4730233771690445042011-08-28T02:59:00.000-04:002011-08-28T02:59:34.493-04:00Back to (Home)schoolThis week, a familiar story happened to us: our computer crashed, and we hadn't backed up our data in years. (Let this be a lesson!) We were very fortunate that we were able to salvage the personal files that mean so much to us, as a family: the photographs and videos of the kids from the last couple of years. (I can't imagine losing most of my youngest children's baby pictures! Total heartbreak!) <br />
<br />
I breathed a great sigh of relief and believed it might have been a blessing. We happened to have a computer (this one) in the closet that had been given to us for free by a friend of my aunt's who had upgraded his computer and wanted to pass the old one along. Well, this computer is newer and faster and comes with more gadgets than our old computer! This one had just been sitting in the closet for the longest time, primarily because I was too busy (read: lazy) to take the time to transfer all of the files. Meanwhile, our old computer (the dead one) was so noisy that it sounded like an airplane was flying in our dining room. I should have changed it then. (Let this be a lesson!) But we transferred the special files and didn't even have to buy a new computer. How often does that happen? <div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Everything was fine, except that I cannot find any of Lolly's homeschool records. None. A whole year of records went poof. (To be fair, her paper workbooks and lapbooks and computer tutorial records are all in the closet, and we have videos of some experiments on YouTube.) Part of the problem is that I had the records stored on a desktop application, rather than online or even in a file on my hard drive. Whoops! I guess I thought that airplane-computer was going to last forever.</div><br />
But with challenge comes opportunity. I have decided to use this time to rethink our homeschooling for Lolly (officially a first-grader) this year. We have different "obstacles" (we'll use that word) this year than we did last year. For example, last year, Ola was a tiny newborn who slept most of the time or who was content to be held or rocked in a swing. Now I have a one-year-old and a two-year-old who get into everything, and they have to be watched all the time. The collateral damage has been everything from jewelry in the toilet to scribbled library books. Plus, they are being homeschooled, too, so I can't just keep them in a room with some toys while I tend to more "important" matters with my oldest child. I have to find a way to incorporate them into the homeschooling routine. <div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"> </div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"We had no intention of staying inside today. Are you kidding?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Another obstacle is that I need time to myself. No, I don't mean time to sit with a cup of cocoa and chat with a friend on the phone, though I might pencil that in next year. I mean time to do work (I edit reports from home), time to do church work (my other unpaid job), time to clean the house (got to fix that collateral damage), and time to play on social networking sites. (Did I just write that last one? Whoops!) How do I do that when my oldest child needs time to learn?</div> <table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dbEqu2rR79A/TlnfCVal2OI/AAAAAAAAAFU/qCIqms_2eao/s1600/746.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" qaa="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dbEqu2rR79A/TlnfCVal2OI/AAAAAAAAAFU/qCIqms_2eao/s320/746.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Baking a Father's Day cake from scratch: Home Economics.</td></tr>
</tbody></table> <div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
We are neither an "unschooling" family (in the way that many of our friends are) where unstructured learning is the norm, nor are we a "traditional homeschooling" family where there are formal, scheduled lessons. We fall somewhere in the middle, I suppose. Typical daily "lesson": </div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><u>Me:</u> "You need to learn your XYZ this week. How about you do some pages in your workbooks, play an educational computer game, read the books we checked out from the library, play the board games that tie in those skills, and do research to make an XYZ lapbook?"<br />
<u>Lolly:</u> "Okay! Can I also watch that documentary we've been talking about, and can we print out those worksheets? How about I write a story about it?"<br />
<u>Me:</u> "Sure, that sounds great! I'll help get the materials. In the meantime, you can get started, and let me know if you have any questions."</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
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<tr><td style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-26IWqPGdLLY/Tlnfhtd1XSI/AAAAAAAAAFc/jNs8xhxoCHI/s1600/577.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" qaa="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-26IWqPGdLLY/Tlnfhtd1XSI/AAAAAAAAAFc/jNs8xhxoCHI/s320/577.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;">The schoolroom is anywhere, and amongst everyone, by necessity.</td></tr>
</tbody></table> <table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-EpRn6CQOFp8/TlnfS9OxJyI/AAAAAAAAAFY/6e9vySC8Xjk/s1600/808.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" qaa="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-EpRn6CQOFp8/TlnfS9OxJyI/AAAAAAAAAFY/6e9vySC8Xjk/s320/808.jpg" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;">Dress-up counts as Dramatic Cooperative Play. </td></tr>
</tbody></table> <div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">With a few exceptions, that is how a "typical" homeschool day goes. Lolly goes off to do her work with some pit stops - like playgroups and silent reading - along the way. I record the work afterwards, and those records are what got lost when the computer crashed. (Typical entry: "Used blocks to perform examples of subtraction with regrouping," or "Discussed important dates for Civil War. Made timeline of events.") Some days, we accomplish a week's worth of work in a few hours. Other days, I feel like a slacker. </div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
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<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">It helps that Lolly is very motivated and wants to learn, wants to be assessed, and wants to succeed. (Last week, for example, I heard: "Please give me a spelling test!" She did it with words she'd never studied; I made it up on the spot.) She's also very independent. I never need to tell her that it's "Reading" time; instead, I find her on the couch, curled up with a book. She's been reading 12 chapter books on average, per week. I can hardly keep up with her.<br />
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I love to be spontaneous, but sometimes, spontaneity is another word for disorganized. I need to make this my priority because, well, it's my priority! So I looked for another method. </div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">I thought that I knew all of the homeschool methods (Unschooling, Traditional, Unit Studies, Classical, Charlotte Mason, Waldorf, Montessori, Literature-Based, Eclectic, et cetera) that there were to learn. I loved a lot about each of them, but I didn't want to commit to any of them. Then I heard of the "Workbox" curriculum. <a href="http://heartofthematteronline.com/thinking-inside-the-box/">http://heartofthematteronline.com/thinking-inside-the-box/</a></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">It refers to a specialized, independent, customizable, flexible curriculum. Lolly could do her work, written or otherwise, based on prompts and materials in workboxes. Obviously, I would still do many projects with her, but the advantage of this is that she wouldn't have to wait on me while I tended to the needs of the babies, a work project, or anything else. She could work ahead as far as she could, and then stop when she had a question. This sounds like a more organized way to do what we've already been doing.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">I really like this approach, and I think I am going to try it, starting this week. With backed-up files.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
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border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09437650527778824442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3968659849054270043.post-454792142562309892011-08-27T22:37:00.000-04:002011-08-27T22:37:47.876-04:00My prayer tonight.If I curse diapers and late nights and the inconveniences of parenthood, remind me that there are those whose arms ache to hold a baby. If I curse the coming of an empty nest, remind me that there are those would would give everything to see their children grow up healthy and independent. <br />
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If I curse the work that sustains our family, remind me that there are those who would love to have any profitable work, much more that which would be safe and secure.<br />
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If I curse the compromises of marriage, remind me that there are those who will never be able to marry or even spend time with the person they love the most.<br />
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If I curse the marks on my walls or the noise of my appliances or the state of my furniture, remind me that there are those who do not have any of those things to call their very own. If I curse the mess on the floor, remind me that it's because my home is occupied by people who love me. <br />
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If my definition of "hungry" means that there is nothing in my kitchen that meets my cravings of the moment... if my definition of "lonely" means that my friend didn't call me back... if my definition of "tired" means that my eyes ache from reading my favorite books... if my definition of "injustice" means that I had to pay extra for my insurance... if my definition of "underprivileged" means that we don't get a vacation this year... remind me, Lord, remind me.<br />
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And Lord, if I ever complain about being bored, please give me some work to do, as there is so much that the world needs.Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09437650527778824442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3968659849054270043.post-55590965815750530782011-07-22T00:16:00.000-04:002011-07-22T00:16:24.525-04:00Setting Goals and Accelerated LearningWhen I was younger and I heard my teachers (or coaches, adult friends, guidance counselors) talk about setting goals, I would tune out. It sounded so unnecessary. I would think, why not just go out and do it? Why bother setting goals? It was such a cliche to me.<br />
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If there is anything that I have learned in my adult life (read: not much), it's that if you set your goals high, you just might achieve them. If you set your goals low, or have none at all - well, you might just achieve that. It's been true for all of my life choices, especially when it comes to school or career. Goal-setting is important! I now hope to apply it to my homeschool life with my kids.<br />
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I want my kids to learn joyfully, deeply, and<em> efficiently</em>. It's the last quality that really requires some work; the joy and depth should come as part of the experience, and of course, should never be forgotten or sacrificed for the sake of efficiency. The flexibility of homeschooling allows for efficiency to be part of the equation, and I want to take advantage of that, or at least experiment with it.<br />
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I've consulted with guides - including everything from our state standards to homeschool books - to see what my kids should be learning, more or less, by certain grade levels. I want to make sure that all benchmarks are hit, and that I don't gloss over anything. For example, my 5-year-old is strong in reading and social studies, but I need to make sure that she learns how to tie her shoes this year! I also need to make sure that she understands number theory before she masters arithmetic.<br />
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[What could be the problem with missing some information? I'll put it to you this way: I never learned subtraction with regrouping. Yes, I am serious. Yes, I still have trouble with this. Yes, it's embarrassing. As a kid, I memorized everything from the Greek alphabet to the Preamble to the state capitals, and I won my school spelling bee in eighth grade. I had enough trivial knowledge to whip some butt in a Trivial Pursuit game. But I still had to discreetly whip out the calculator when doing a problem such as 1123-789, for example. I missed one key piece of information somewhere, and the absence of that messed up the processes that came after it. I guess you could say that my learning goal this year includes learning subtraction with regrouping!]<br />
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Last year, Lolly moved through all of her second-grade level work. This year, I hope that Lolly will get through second-to-fourth-grade-level work. It's a goal that might not be achieved, but with me being disciplined, and Lolly being motivated already, I am setting the bar high. As for Toot-Toot, who is solidly in her so-called Terrible Twos, my goals are to make sure that she uses her manners (fingers crossed), to start her on basic addition and subtraction, to teach her some beginning sight words, and to teach her how to write all of her letters, assuming that her fine motor control will make her feel comfortable with that. (So far, she legibly writes about a half-dozen letters.) We'll also do music, art, and the extras. I think we can do it.<br />
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Before you think that I am a crazy homeschooling mom, or just another bragging Tiger Mom, let me say this: if learning is enjoyable - and I think it should be - kids can and will want to learn. Kids are like sponges when it comes to new information, as we all know. Years ago, kids often didn't learn their alphabet until ages 5 or 6, when they started school. Now, most kids learn their alphabet by ages 3 or 4, at preschool age. Yet most kids have the potential to learn even earlier, by age 2, if given personal attention and the time to learn it. How many times have you known kids to be curious about what adults do, and want to copy them? It's practically their way of life. If kids see adults reading (a special privilege, they might think), most kids will be interested in learning how. Further, in homeschooling, we're able to work without the distractions that most teachers face in their daily classroom routines.<br />
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So why the push to teach kids to read so young? Why not just wait? Partly, it's because I want my kids to share my love of reading as soon as possible. Partly, it's because once kids have unlocked the key to reading, everything else in learning becomes easier, both for children and for parents. They've unlocked a world! (An added bonus is a safety issue: wouldn't you want your preschool-aged child to be able to read and thoughtfully comprehend a sign that says "Danger" or "Exit"? Or even "Push the button if you need help" or "Be careful if you come into contact with this"?) Lolly is able to be more independent and to do more in-depth lessons because her reading skills are strong. Without that, she would be limited by the time that I had, which she must share with her younger siblings. Writing is another big skill. Wouldn't we want our kids to have another way to articulate their feelings (or have privacy in a diary, or express gratitude in a note, or connect with friends from far away)? Writing does that, of course, and what a gift to give to a young child!<br />
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So this year, I am setting the goals high, and I am forcing myself to become more disciplined and organized in my planning. In homeschooling, the success of my kids, in part, rests on my ability to get my act together. I need to get to work. Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09437650527778824442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3968659849054270043.post-56450624074729277712011-06-24T17:55:00.001-04:002011-06-24T17:57:46.379-04:00Curriculum Review: Time4Learning.comAs you all know, as a homeschooling mom, I am always looking for innovative ways to educate my kids, especially my soon-to-be-first-grader. Sometime late last fall, as I was searching for homeschool tips in the many homeschooling blogs that I read, I saw an advertisement for a company called Time4learning. It purported to teach lessons (for Pre-K through 8th grade) in Language Arts, Mathematics, Science, and Social Studies, entirely online. The program is used for homeschooling families, as well as non-homeschooling families in the form of afterschool or summer enrichment.<br />
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At the time, if you'll recall, I had a young baby, a toddler, and a 5-year-old, and I was desperate to find a way to supplement our at-home learning, which largely consisted of workbooks, library books, videos, board games, and of course, homemade projects. In addition, Lolly has really excelled at using online computer games to enhance her learning, so I decided to give Time4Learning a try, at no risk. <br />
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I had two particular objectives in mind. First, I wanted a way for Lolly to be able to move through her lessons more independently, as I have her younger brother and sister at home, and I can't always guide her lesson every step of the way. Another objective was for me to be able to assess where Lolly was, grade-wise, in her learning. I knew she was advanced in some subjects, especially reading, but I didn't know how to judge her grade level in all subjects. Time4Learning prides itself on meeting grade-level standards for the states, so I took it as a fairly accurate measure of Lolly's progress.<br />
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We ended up sticking with the Time4Learning program for three straight months, and then we took a three-month break to do other things, and now we're back. During our absence from Time4Learning, Lolly missed being able to do the games and activities, so I decided that it was worth it to go back, even though we're in summer mode. We originally asked for First Grade as our primary focus, and months later, I have Lolly doing Third Grade work, at my prerogative. She completed all of First Grade math, some of First Grade Language Arts, and Social Studies and Science activities for First and Second Grades. She has now completed some Third Grade math, as well. Here are the advantages and disadvantages that we've found with the program, in no particular order. <br />
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*<strong>Maximum flexibility.</strong> Students are free to go at their own pace and do as many or as few activities as they would like. Time4Learning recommends a sample schedule of one activity per day, per subject. Lolly would sometimes do 5-10 in a day, if she were so inclined. This is great if you have a student who gets excited about a subject and who doesn't want to be limited by the parameters of the schedule. A student can also switch from subject to subject and to different available themes.<br />
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Further, while parents choose the student's grade level, Time4Learning allows students to move through three different grade levels without even officially requesting to change grades. This means that if a student finds the material too hard or too easy, the student is not "locked in" to a specific grade level. A student can also do different grade levels with the material. For example, Lolly is at Second Grade in math, and Fourth Grade in reading, and Time4Learning allows for her to switch between those levels as much as she wishes.<br />
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*<strong>Entertaining activities.</strong> Most of Time4Learning's activities are presented in a fun way by animated characters - who are, surprisingly, not annoying or distracting to the learning process. It's that whole "learning while having fun" component. Lolly enjoyed seeing what the characters would do; they were a big draw for her, no pun intended. As much as I believe that learning shouldn't have to involve animated characters in order to work, I must admit that it helped Lolly during the more mundane lessons.<br />
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*<strong>Recordkeeping function.</strong> This is one of Time4Learning's biggest strengths, in my opinion. For every activity that the student does, Time4Learning records how much time the student spends on the activity, how the student scores on the practice, the quiz, and the test, and so much more, including the time/date that the activities are completed. This makes recordkeeping so easy for parents! Parents can view or print the records at their own convenience, and look at patterns and progress in the student's learning. This is especially a big help for homeschooling families who live in states where certain hourly attendance is required, and needs to be part of the recordkeeping. Most importantly, it shows me where we need to review.<br />
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*<strong>Good value for the money.</strong> Time4Learning includes everything for $19.95/month for the first child, and $14.95 for each subsequent child. While that's not free (everyone's favorite price, of course), it's a bargain compared to the hundreds of dollars that some parents spend on textbooks and complete curricula. In addition, when I wanted to cancel a few months back, I received good customer service, and no surprise costs. Many of the activities also included printable worksheets to drive home the concept just learned.<br />
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Time4Learning offers more than just the online student activities, should parents choose to do more with their membership. It also offers extensive message boards (so parents can talk with other parents) and lesson breakdowns (so parents can find out what their kids are learning, exactly), as well as reading lists, local homeschool group contacts, and opportunities for further learning. The website is more substantial than one might expect, and it's all included, making this a good value for the money.<br />
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*<strong>Strong math component.</strong> Lolly needed special help in math, compared to the other subjects. Time4Learning did more than I think I could have done to teach her about math on my own. For example, I know that one needs to teach addition, subtraction, fractions, et cetera, but I did not realize how important it was for students to master other principles of mathematics first, such as pattern-making and place value. I had completely overlooked some basic, essential building blocks, taking them for granted.<br />
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For months afterward, whenever Lolly would clearly understand a math concept and I would ask her where she learned that, she would answer that she got it from Time4Learning. That speaks volumes.<br />
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*<strong>Independent learning.</strong> Lolly could do nearly all of the lessons on her own, which gave her a sense of confidence and saved me time. Time4Learning is designed for the "accidental" homeschooling family, so it really caters to what is convenient for families. That's a plus, in my book!<br />
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Now for some disadvantages:<br />
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*<strong>Not comprehensive in scope.</strong> If one used this as a complete homeschool curriculum, several components would be lacking, obviously, such as art, music, physical education, foreign language, laboratory science, and the like. Plus, I think it's important to include a wide variety of learning tools, including books, field trips, and so forth. This is not a blight against the program, but just a caution that Time4Learning should be used in conjunction with real-world learning, of course.<br />
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*<strong>Too much computer time.</strong> Some parents, especially those with nature-based schooling styles such as Waldorf, might not like the program's obvious emphasis on computer-based learning. As inferred in the previous point, it's all about finding a balance and using the curriculum alongside other tools. If using Time4Learning, be sure to take breaks and get lots of outdoor time, as with any child's computer use.<br />
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*<strong>Problems with the curriculum.</strong> This is my biggest beef with the program. I'll give you an example: in one printable worksheet from the Science portion of the curriculum, snakes and reptiles were discussed. The worksheet clearly said that snakes did not have a backbone, among other erroneous statements. That's like saying that all birds fly, or that all fish have fins; that is patently untrue. In fact, all reptiles have backbones, and there was no excuse for this clearly incorrect information. It then made me nervous, wondering what other mistakes were hidden in the curriculum that I hadn't yet caught? To be fair, I can't recall finding other errors.<br />
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In summary, I would definitely recommend Time4Learning to help teach children about reading and mathematics, but I am still on the fence when it comes to their science and social studies components. (Too much gray area there, and after the snake worksheet, I am not sure whether I can trust it.) It is particularly useful as a learning supplement, rather than as a primary curriculum. It met my objectives, and I will continue to use it.<br />
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<div style="padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 40px; padding-right: 40px; padding-top: 0px;">Time4Learning is an <a href="http://www.time4learning.com/homeSchool-online.htm?ref=Review+Referring" target="_blank">online education program</a> that can be used as a <a href="http://www.time4learning.com/homeschool-curriculum.htm?ref=Review+Referring" target="_blank">homeschooling curriculum</a>, an <a href="http://www.time4learning.com/curriculum/afterschool.html?ref=Review+Referring" target="_blank">afterschool tutorial</a> or for <a href="http://www.time4learning.com/summer-school.shtml?ref=Review+Referring" target="_blank">summer learning</a>. As a member, I've been given the opportunity to share my experiences. The content in this review was not written by Time4Learning. While I was compensated, the opinion is entirely my own.</div>Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09437650527778824442noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3968659849054270043.post-17973369595803341252011-05-09T01:49:00.001-04:002011-05-09T01:59:53.655-04:00The Oldest Child."Yet in thy dark streets shineth the everlasting Light/The hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee tonight/For Christ is born of Mary, and gathered all above/While mortals sleep, the angels keep their watch of wondering love..." <br />
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">- "O Little Town of Bethlehem" </div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-eymj9Hw33Qw/TceBBQlWyjI/AAAAAAAAAEg/bc_Z0bS-p5s/s1600/Sisters.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320px" j8="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-eymj9Hw33Qw/TceBBQlWyjI/AAAAAAAAAEg/bc_Z0bS-p5s/s320/Sisters.jpg" width="213px" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">On Mother's Day, I reflected not only on the complex nature of the relationship between myself and my own mother, with whom I am close, and of the relationships between myself and other "mothering types" in my life, including my grandmother and my aunt, but also of my relationship to my own children. This marks my fifth "official" Mother's Day, though I still celebrated when I was pregnant with Lolly, my first child.</div></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Any parent can tell you of the feeling of unspeakable joy, pride, wonder, intensity, fear, and euphoria that one feels when a child comes into one's family, particularly a first child. After all, it's an experience like no other, and when you've experienced it for the first time, life seems to take a deep breath. (Even at Lolly's birth, I wanted a mirror to see what was happening... I didn't want to miss a moment.) When parenthood begins for the first time, it can feel like there is no other single person greater than your child - certainly not yourself. You want to savor every moment. You protect, you obsess, you worry.</div><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ezMBESYXyJ4/TceCbHE4FDI/AAAAAAAAAEo/pCB2MIv-ZUY/s1600/HPIM0171.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240px" j8="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ezMBESYXyJ4/TceCbHE4FDI/AAAAAAAAAEo/pCB2MIv-ZUY/s320/HPIM0171.JPG" width="320px" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lolly in a box.</td></tr>
</tbody></table> <div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Now that I am the mother of three young children, I've relaxed somewhat. I no longer feel ill when my baby cries; instead, it's a fact of life that babies will cry, and we just do what we can do help. I no longer write down every single first - including things like "first dog seen" or "first apple tasted" - because I just don't have time. I no longer have the same resolutions... life gets in the way before I can hold onto those things. </div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">However, when I was the parent of one child, I tried to devote all of my free time to her. Unfortunately, I had to go back to work when she was less than a month old, but it made me cherish the times with her even more. We went everywhere together: amusement parks, restaurants, New York City, everywhere from Maine to Pennsylvania to Florida, and all around her native Boston. She sat in the front row every week at church. I took her to the Museum of Fine Arts ten times before she was two years old. I wasn't able to do attachment parenting practices all the time because I worked, but I definitely got the concept.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Lolly was my baby, my little seed of perfection. Dammit, the parent says, I may have made lots of mistakes in my own life, but this kid is going to be perfect! Look, she was born perfect!</div><br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-SF0ymLx1QAw/TcduQfKP5EI/AAAAAAAAAD8/b0e4oPL9jNw/s1600/HPIM0611.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320px" j8="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-SF0ymLx1QAw/TcduQfKP5EI/AAAAAAAAAD8/b0e4oPL9jNw/s320/HPIM0611.JPG" width="240px" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;">Lolly's very first day of preschool. I think I was just as nervous as she was. I cried every day that week.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Of course, you also want to treat that child perfectly... you spend all of your money on professional portraits and trips to the zoo... you read to your child all the time, you don't let her watch any television... you create elaborate birthday parties, you make sure she eats her vegetables... you videotape her singing and even sleeping. This child is a reflection of not only you, your family, and your values, but possibly of life itself. Don't screw this up, your conscience seems to say. <br />
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</div>My biggest fear with Lolly is that her joy will be taken away. We all know that innocence inevitably fades; that's just part of maturing. However, joy doesn't have to fade... her sense of wonder and excitement about life. Nor should her empathy and sensitivity fade, I hope. It can't happen, I tell myself. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8V2xSz927tQ/Tcd-EsByJUI/AAAAAAAAAEc/_owuwjAL3SQ/s1600/100_3676.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320px" j8="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8V2xSz927tQ/Tcd-EsByJUI/AAAAAAAAAEc/_owuwjAL3SQ/s320/100_3676.jpg" width="240px" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A happy, healthy, moral, confident kid... that's all we parents really want, right? </td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;">The seed of perfection got older, and I had more children. I got more busy and, admittedly, more lax about some things. Yet I never stopped trying to mold Lolly, it seems. Since she now knows the answer to 9 times 12, I get anxious for her to learn the whole times table and long division. Since she now reads Babysitter chapter books, I get anxious for her to start on great works of literature. I've been consistently amazed at how quickly Lolly learns, but the more she learns, the more I want her to know. I think she's brilliant, so I keep pushing her. One of these days, she's going to go on strike, and rightly so.</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;">Then I worry about what's going to happen as she gets older. Her personality, at least for the moment, is so much like mine was when I was her age. She is a people-pleasing perfectionist, a sensitive girl who loves performing but feels embarrassed when called to do so, a voracious reader with a strong imagination, and someone who might be lonely someday. What if she goes with the first guy who says he loves her? What if she falls in with the wrong crowd? Just like any parent, I want to keep her from any hurt. I don't want to see her get her heart broken or to be ridiculed or to feel humiliated or to dislike herself or to hurt others. I guess that never stops.</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-XwNLKD2jhP4/Tcd9Z47yxKI/AAAAAAAAAEY/2ywhybx_u2M/s1600/HPIM0436a.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240px" j8="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-XwNLKD2jhP4/Tcd9Z47yxKI/AAAAAAAAAEY/2ywhybx_u2M/s320/HPIM0436a.JPG" width="320px" /></a><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-b1zWwCqFVYY/Tcd4FEe9q5I/AAAAAAAAAEU/3hk4eOM77IA/s1600/Charlotte+with+mommy+at+shower.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320px" j8="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-b1zWwCqFVYY/Tcd4FEe9q5I/AAAAAAAAAEU/3hk4eOM77IA/s320/Charlotte+with+mommy+at+shower.jpg" width="240px" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;">We're really close now... we would do everything together, if I would let it happen. I am worried, on a selfish level, about whether she'll decide that not only does she not need me when she becomes an adult(which is appropriate, of course), but that she doesn't want me. Yes, I realize how remarkably immature that sounds, but those are my insecurities, right there. I want us to continue to be close. I also want her to learn from my mistakes. And I always want a part of her to be my baby forever.</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;">My recipe for perfection now is to let her have more tea parties, read more books for pleasure, have more playtime, and to keep making a big deal about all of the birthdays and holidays and visits. Saying yes more often - when it counts - is a good thing. She is never going to get these years back, and neither am I.</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09437650527778824442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3968659849054270043.post-431932643098109402011-05-07T00:29:00.000-04:002011-05-07T00:29:08.277-04:00Because It Makes Me Happy.I was reading an autobiography from my bookshelf today wherein the subject, a well-known actress, stated that her main childhood aspiration was to be a happy adult. As a child, she didn't tell people that she wanted to be defined by some occupation when she grew up, but rather, that she wanted to be happy.<br />
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It seems so foolishly simple: <em>of course</em> we'd want to be happy. Yet everywhere we look around us, we see people who either outright ignore the goal of happiness (by choosing careers they hate, partners they don't respect) or who pursue it in dangerous ways (like drug abuse). Most of us rarely follow our bliss, as Joseph Campbell might say. <br />
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But why? Is it guilt? Do we think that, somehow, making ourselves happy should be wrong? To put it in a spiritual sense, don't you think that God (or whatever you call your ultimate) intends all of us to be truly fulfilled and happy in life? If not, why not?<br />
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I am not talking about selfish hedonism here. I am not talking about Ayn Rand or do-it-yourself, damn-the-rest happiness. I don't feel like the pursuit of happiness at the expense of compassion, generosity, and community is worth much in the long run for anyone. What I mean is when people follow their bliss - while being mindful of what might be best for other people - people can inspire more joy and fulfillment in others.<br />
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If that sounds too vague or simplistic for you, consider this: can you recall a time when someone inspired you? Perhaps a friend made a courageous life choice that caused you to reexamine your life choices and redirect your life in a positive way. Perhaps a stranger did or experienced something extraordinary that caused you to rethink the very nature of joy. I am convinced that happy people can beget more happy people, as long as those people are given the chance to be happy and don't feel like they're on the outside looking in, so to speak.<br />
<br />
Certain things are supposed to make us happy, society says: our kids, our looks, our financial security, the toys we have. While I certainly agree that children can make us feel deeply fulfilled, and I agree that one cannot be very happy in life without some level of security - however that might be defined - I think that our standards for happiness are different from what we might think. (I remember the comedian Rita Rudner once giving a list about the things that sounded better than they really were; on the list were things like the beach, and hot buttered rum.)<br />
<br />
I was talking with a friend this week about expectations; specifically, about how things that cost money are supposed to make us more happy. My friend talked about how she had more fun just sharing a glass of wine and conversation with her husband on the back porch while the kids played than she did going out to a fancy dinner and paying a babysitter to watch the kids. It's also the same feeling when you buy a nice pair of jeans for $40 vs. $80 vs. $1, and thinking about how much you could do with the extra money and the $1 jeans.<br />
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But I get a little awkward when I describe what really makes me happy. I mean, why did I get married, procreate, and raise kids? Because all three things made me happy, of course. (Many children aren't conceived because their parents deliberately wanted to make a wonderful difference in the world. Instead, the children were a byproduct of joy, so to speak.) Was I supposed to give a different answer?<br />
<br />
But what about other things, like homeschooling? One of my "dirty little secrets" is that I wanted to homeschool because it makes me happy. It makes me happy to see my kids constantly! It makes me happy to put lesson plans together and watch my kids learn. It's exciting! We don't homeschool because we feel that, regrettably, we have to... we do it because it's awesome for us.<br />
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All in all, why wouldn't we do things out of happiness? Can we do things out of a sense of duty, and still feel really happy about them (like volunteer work)? We've only got one of these lives, so we'd better find some happiness in what we do.Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09437650527778824442noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3968659849054270043.post-30039633001101937392011-05-02T16:39:00.000-04:002011-05-02T16:39:45.120-04:00Because I'm not a Woman anymore. I'm a Mom.Warning: what is to follow is some of the most vapid, insignificant stuff about which I will write, but I figured we could use some levity.<br />
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As some of you may know, my personal fashion style has been, er, <em>eclectic </em>over the years. My style could be called gaudy, modest, weird, over-the-top, or just plain frumpy. A former boyfriend's best friend used to describe my clothes as "dick repellant" (my apologies). First, I didn't wear jeans, shorts, or sexy shirts. Instead, I wore long skirts or dresses or jumpers, sometimes with tights or leggings underneath, and blouses with sleeves. This was even in the summer. It's not a religious thing, but rather, a personal thing: I would prefer not to show my own skin, and I definitely don't like to tan. <br />
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In addition, I've tended to go overboard with colors and patterns. It's not that I didn't want to attract attention to myself, but that I wanted to do it on my own terms, with the clothes that I liked best. I mean, who doesn't like bright fabulousness? (I won't even go into my hairstyles over the years: bleached, buzzcut, mohawked, you name it. That would be another blog altogether.)<br />
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<tr><td style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9_tpDzMeI5Y/Tb8L1MrOJHI/AAAAAAAAADk/BrsKyd3ewJs/s1600/HPIM0410.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320px" j8="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9_tpDzMeI5Y/Tb8L1MrOJHI/AAAAAAAAADk/BrsKyd3ewJs/s320/HPIM0410.JPG" width="240px" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;">"Hey, guys! The pregnant, hippie creampuff modeled after June Cleaver's curtains is right over here!"</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-or0ezKn6W8g/Tb8Pwj5M4mI/AAAAAAAAADo/7nHnDn9TdDg/s1600/Melinda-Charlotte.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240px" j8="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-or0ezKn6W8g/Tb8Pwj5M4mI/AAAAAAAAADo/7nHnDn9TdDg/s320/Melinda-Charlotte.bmp" width="320px" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;">Is it the pattern that's causing my manic smile? This was part of a polyester three-piece suit.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-XhNj4ibPsbs/Tb8Symnat7I/AAAAAAAAADw/0Sv_2vSH29g/s1600/HPIM0164.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320px" j8="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-XhNj4ibPsbs/Tb8Symnat7I/AAAAAAAAADw/0Sv_2vSH29g/s320/HPIM0164.JPG" width="240px" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">When you've completely given up, you can wear Christmas pajamas outside. By the Dumpster.</td></tr>
</tbody></table> <div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">However, while I thought that I was looking original and unique all of these years, I think I was just looking tacky. I was doing my own thing, but I wasn't flattering myself. I had even been anti-jeans because I'd been anti-conformist. I wanted to be different at any cost.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Then there's the modest aspect. There's a difference between not trying to look sexy and deliberately trying not to look sexy, even for my husband. I began looking like a cult member (trust me). It didn't help that I'd gained and lost about 450 pounds total within 5 years with 4 pregnancies. I needed all the help I could get.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Flash forward to the present day. I am helping to look for jeans for my niece and nephew, and it occurs to me that I haven't owned a single pair of jeans in years. In fact, I last wore jeans back in college, I think, with the exception of a pair of maternity jeans I wore during one pregnancy. Yet jeans are flattering, versatile, and very practical. They are perfect for busy moms like me. </div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Hahahaha!!! <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLcDZStRjyY&feature=related">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLcDZStRjyY&feature=related</a></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">So I decided to change my style altogether. I will now be a Jeans Wearer. It's okay to be somewhat normal, I guess, for the sake of practicality and looking decent. I've also gone back to wearing makeup and styling my hair, two things that had gone by the wayside over the past year. </div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">I still refuse, however, to go to the trouble of shaving my hairy legs. (Thank God I married a European who doesn't give a darn about these things.) So, obviously, the jeans will really come in handy for that.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1jQq-q3DIE8/Tb8JThWxsiI/AAAAAAAAADg/ZzdMspXgqeE/s1600/Snapshot+of+me+4.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320px" j8="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1jQq-q3DIE8/Tb8JThWxsiI/AAAAAAAAADg/ZzdMspXgqeE/s320/Snapshot+of+me+4.png" width="320px" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Total cost of new outfit: about two dollars, thanks to the clothing-by-the-pound deal at Good Cents!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-W8XxB1lfziY/Tb8SgpMUokI/AAAAAAAAADs/6zJRA2jDvTQ/s1600/Chernesky+-Edit.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" j8="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-W8XxB1lfziY/Tb8SgpMUokI/AAAAAAAAADs/6zJRA2jDvTQ/s1600/Chernesky+-Edit.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">P.S. I showed this photo to my oldest daughter, and her response was, "Who's that?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table></div>Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09437650527778824442noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3968659849054270043.post-72157395623887527792011-04-26T11:40:00.000-04:002011-04-26T11:40:17.225-04:00Three Is a Magic Number?Ever since my son, my third child, was born almost nine months ago, I've been asking myself if my husband and I will have any more children together. For me, the answer has been "maybe"... and yes, that is crazy, but I'll explain.<br />
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I can think of a hundred excellent reasons why we shouldn't have more children. In no particular order, some of them are:<br />
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1. We don't have the money, and our bank accounts aren't expected to grow anytime soon.<br />
2. We have a small house with only three bedrooms... and that house needs repairs that we can't afford.<br />
3. We have a sedan with only five seats... and that car will need to be replaced with something fuel-efficient.<br />
4. My husband will be 48 years old next month, and has no desire to raise young kids during his retirement.<br />
5. We'd love to go to England for the first time to visit family, and a bigger family means more travel costs.<br />
6. More babies are bad for the environment! If we care about the earth, we should stop having kids.<br />
7. Both my husband and I have little free time or "we" time, and more kids means even less of that for us.<br />
8. We would have to have fewer outside commitments (church, volunteer work) and less time with friends. <br />
9. We have committed ourselves to adopting at least one child, but more bio-kids lessens that possibility.<br />
10. Our families would kill us, I think, if we had another one. I think they're shocked that we have three between us, plus two other biological children (including my adult stepson).<br />
11. Perhaps most importantly, more children means that our attention is divided between them, so they each would get less time with us.<br />
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So as you can see, having another baby would be pretty much ludicrous right now. Plus, if we were to do it, we wouldn't do the sensible thing and wait a few years until the babies were older, because of my husband's age, so that would mean having perhaps three children ages three and under. (Go ahead and laugh.) Could I handle another child to diaper, to breastfeed, to potty train, to homeschool? I've been stingy with my baby clothes and baby toys, waiting for another baby to be born, secretly hoping for one. I am half-worried that my friends would disown me if I had another one... they've already been so good about me dragging my brood of three around. There is a line from "Parenthood," one of my all-time favorite comedies, where one of the dads - whose wife is pregnant with their fourth child - is asking his dad for advice, and the dad shakes his head and says, "I never should have had four."<br />
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I had a talk with a close friend last week and she gave me her honest opinion (which I asked for) about having more kids. She knows that it's as crazy as I think it is. After our conversation, I half-considered going home and packing up the rest of the baby clothes for good, and donating them to someone who actually needed them, as many generous people have done for us. That would be just one more step towards our Journey Towards Vasectomy. Yes, my husband is perfectly willing to get sterilized, and I've been begging him to do it without telling me. I don't know if I could take the anticipation. (For the record, my husband agrees that we shouldn't have more babies, but doesn't seem very committal in his answer.)<br />
<br />
So why even consider having more kids?<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-XqP2w3Zvioc/TbblWa-cPkI/AAAAAAAAADY/jUYO4DzZUT8/s1600/100_4151.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240px" i8="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-XqP2w3Zvioc/TbblWa-cPkI/AAAAAAAAADY/jUYO4DzZUT8/s320/100_4151.jpg" width="320px" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">After my son's recent baptism... can you see my "oversmile"?</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-sHl2ablZaw8/TbbmgnldubI/AAAAAAAAADc/g6vvX_bKPSs/s1600/Charlotte+-mommy+Sagamorebathroom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320px" i8="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-sHl2ablZaw8/TbbmgnldubI/AAAAAAAAADc/g6vvX_bKPSs/s320/Charlotte+-mommy+Sagamorebathroom.jpg" width="213px" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Another "oversmile" with my first daughter, almost five years ago.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Because kids are freaking amazing. Because my gut tells me everything will be fine. Because all I've wanted to do in my life is have a big, happy family. Because, dammit, I want to do it before I can't.<br />
<br />
My husband and I have happy, healthy, lovely children and a happy, healthy, strong marriage. We have an involved extended family and we live in a great community. We talked about having a big family - 10 kids was our original number, haha - since we were first dating. Obviously, I am not trying to compete with the Duggars or even the Gosselins, but four young children seems like a great number. We could stop there, right? Four is perfect, right? Or is this baby-fever taking over and making me think irrational thoughts?Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09437650527778824442noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3968659849054270043.post-34044164490168819082011-04-23T21:01:00.000-04:002011-04-23T21:01:36.726-04:00"Easter"More than bonnets, patent leather, and pastel collars...<br />
More than bright bulletins and collection plate dollars...<br />
More than ham, potatoes, rolls, and greens,<br />
More than chocolate bunnies, more than jelly beans...<br />
More than all the metaphors mean...<br />
More than arguing over God's existence...<br />
More than just political resistence...<br />
The rebirth, the resurrection, the truth, the life...<br />
The starting over. <br />
The speak.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
"...I have passed with a nod of the head<br />
Or polite meaningless words,<br />
Or have lingered awhile and said<br />
Polite meaningless words,<br />
And thought before I had done<br />
Of a mocking tale or a gibe<br />
To please a companion<br />
Around the fire at the club,<br />
Being certain that they and I<br />
But lived where motley is worn:<br />
All changed, changed utterly:<br />
A terrible beauty is born...."<br />
-from "Easter, 1916" by William Butler YeatsMelindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09437650527778824442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3968659849054270043.post-3994918899945621392011-04-19T21:42:00.001-04:002011-04-20T12:15:40.866-04:00Random ThoughtsHere we go:<br />
<br />
1. My mother-in-law is coming into town today, and my house no longer looks like it was raided by candy-hyper, cyclonic gremlins. Score!<br />
<br />
2. I am not sure which is more disappointing: an arrogant religious person or an arrogant atheist. Maybe arrogance is the real problem. <br />
<br />
3. Why are babies so deliciously addictive? I mean, I should know better than to want another one!<br />
<br />
4. I watched a biography of the late televangelist Tammy Faye, and it showed her in such a sympathetic light that I wanted to be more like her. Is that bizarre?<br />
<br />
5. I am terrible at writing thank-you notes, and even worse at calling people. I need to stop making excuses.<br />
<br />
6. I really miss being on Facebook. Unfortunately, being off has not had the desired effect - that is, giving me more time with my family - because I have replaced Facebook with other distractions. <br />
<br />
7. "We Are the World" is still a kick-butt song. I love it. However, I realized just how old I'd gotten when I recognized all of the artists from the 1985 version, but only about 2/3rds of the ones from the 2010 remake: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Glny4jSciVI&NR=1&feature=fvwp">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Glny4jSciVI&NR=1&feature=fvwp</a><br />
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2W4-0qUdHY&feature=related">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2W4-0qUdHY&feature=related</a><br />
<br />
8. It is April 2011 already? Wow. Life is pretty darn good right now.Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09437650527778824442noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3968659849054270043.post-77399515778628994442011-04-19T00:18:00.000-04:002011-04-19T00:18:52.670-04:00The Joy of SiblingsOne of the wonderful things about having more than one child is that I get to see how my children interact with each other, teach each other, and enrich each other's lives. (Yes, this is despite the "Ow, she pushed me" moments, of which I am well aware.) <table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qk0Q-IIBh3Y/Ta0HnWnLjNI/AAAAAAAAADQ/DoLFk_L1ODI/s1600/100_3442.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="150" r6="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qk0Q-IIBh3Y/Ta0HnWnLjNI/AAAAAAAAADQ/DoLFk_L1ODI/s200/100_3442.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lolly reading to Toot-Toot</td></tr>
</tbody></table> <div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;">It is a proud and happy thing to see one child teach another. </div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YUhKyssE5N4/Ta0HWMfwmUI/AAAAAAAAADM/vb4T2B4g3sQ/s1600/100_3354.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="150" r6="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YUhKyssE5N4/Ta0HWMfwmUI/AAAAAAAAADM/vb4T2B4g3sQ/s200/100_3354.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Toot-Toot "reading" to Ola</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;">I was raised, in a sense, as an only child. My brother was born when I was twelve years old (after my parents had remarried each other), and I didn't meet my older half-sister until after our brother's birth. However, for those first twelve years, I was the only child and grandchild in my family. Spoiled doesn't even begin to describe me, I am sure. My mother had lost two siblings in accidents before they reached adulthood, and I think that their early deaths led my family to be extra-protective of me. (Though I won't blame anyone but myself for my neuroticism.)</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jA0Wcwt7SYc/Taz_sofMweI/AAAAAAAAAC4/oyRSJS74d-M/s1600/100_0592.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="150" r6="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jA0Wcwt7SYc/Taz_sofMweI/AAAAAAAAAC4/oyRSJS74d-M/s200/100_0592.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A rare reunion, two years ago</td></tr>
</tbody></table> <div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;">Oh, how I wanted a brother or sister so badly! I used to pray for one, against all odds. But when my little brother (who is now almost 6'8" tall) was born, I was so much older than him that I felt more like an aunt than a sister. But no matter... I will always have a brother and a sister, even though we are not as close as I wish we were. Amazing now to think that my little brother is a parent himself and my big sister is going to be a grandmother. Wow.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;">Of course, there are perks to being an only child. My early school years were probably helped greatly by the fact that I had the attention of many adult relatives. I didn't have to share my toys, or anything else, very often. (Side note: at one point shortly after my parents divorced for the first time, my father briefly remarried, and I instantly had two older stepsiblings. I remember little about my stepsister, April, but I do still have one item from her: a card that she made for me. It says, "I love you, even though you are selfish.")</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;">There are also perks to <em>having</em> only one child. I speak with some of my girlfriends who have one child and I notice that they are able to not only have more one-on-one time with the child, but also more free time for themselves. There are fewer decisions and compromises to make, I would imagine.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;">However, I feel so blessed to have three little ones (and an adult stepson) who can love and support each other long after my husband and I are gone. Plus, there are some practical benefits, including the fact that siblings usually entertain each other. If I am too exhausted to finish another round of fingerplays and nursery rhymes, I ask Lolly to do them for Toot-Toot and Ola, and she is only too happy to help! They play games with each other, feed each other, comfort each other, and teach each other. When it works, it's magical.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3IJ1a5aAjA8/Ta0GD6k3eDI/AAAAAAAAADE/9mAw8E_tf0M/s1600/100_3636.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" r6="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3IJ1a5aAjA8/Ta0GD6k3eDI/AAAAAAAAADE/9mAw8E_tf0M/s200/100_3636.jpg" width="150" /></a></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;">See here: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skx5ZzcaArA">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skx5ZzcaArA</a></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div> <div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09437650527778824442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3968659849054270043.post-48825657038830792632011-04-18T09:45:00.002-04:002011-04-18T09:57:02.808-04:00God, Kids, Husband. In that order."Cranky" is going to be crankier than usual today with this blog. Please forgive my strong opinions on this one, and bear with my hypothetical reasoning.<br />
<br />
Several times this week, I've heard stories about people putting their spouses before their children in terms of priority. <br />
<br />
On one of the "Real Housewives" reality shows, the wife often talks about how, in a Christian marriage, God comes first, spouse comes second, and children come third: <a href="http://alexis-bellino.com/tag/god-first/">http://alexis-bellino.com/tag/god-first/</a> <br />
<br />
Then I read about an author couple in which the wife is seen to be almost obsessive in her love for her husband, and much less effusive about her children: <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ayelet_Waldman#Controversial_essay_about_marriage">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ayelet_Waldman#Controversial_essay_about_marriage</a><br />
<br />
Finally, I saw this over-the-top post from an English husband regarding his family: <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1376681/I-resent-children-stealing-wifes-love.html">http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1376681/I-resent-children-stealing-wifes-love.html</a><br />
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I realize that I am far from the first person to respond to this issue, and I also realize that this is merely a theoretical construct, but I still feel it's worthy of attention.<br />
<br />
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">First, let me make this clear: I love my husband to death. He is my best friend, and in some ways, my hero. He's a brilliant, sweet, supportive, affectionate, funny, deeply spiritual, responsible, and honest man... not to mention, a fabulous dad. We have stumbled upon a kind of Ozzie-and-Harriet relationship these days in that my husband is the sole breadwinner and I stay home with the kids. However, the man is a feminist who still manages to bring me coffee <em>every single morning</em> and roses for no reason. He wrote me poetry and even served as my "doula" when I was a surrogate. He baptizes our babies, reads stories in silly voices, spends his weekends doing chores, and has never said an unkind or untrue word to me (or to anyone, if memory serves). He doesn't have a jealous or spiteful bone in his body. My family adores him. There is not much more that anyone could ask for in someone, in my opinion. You could say I am rather fond of him. I realize how fortunate I am. (I even have amazingly awesome in-laws, as a bonus!)</div><br />
But would I put my children before my husband? Absolutely, and I'll tell you why.<br />
<br />
1. Children are vulnerable, and they must be protected. My husband is a grown man who can, in most aspects, take care of himself. My children need help, like any other children, and so tending to their needs trumps tending any non-vulnerable adult's needs. That's a no-brainer. <br />
2. Children didn't ask to be born. My husband and I, as their parents, had control over that, and therefore we have an additional duty (again, a no-brainer) to be responsible for them. However, my husband and I chose to be together and to commit ourselves to each other; in the extremely unlikely event that we'd ever change our minds, that decision is also within our control.<br />
<br />
Sure, I understand what my critics are probably saying: a happy, strong marriage makes a happy, strong family. It's important to tend to one's marriage/partnership for the sake of the family, and that bodes well for the kids. In most cases, I'd agree wholeheartedly to this. I do believe that the kind of love that my husband and I model with each other, as well as the way we model our cooperation, conflicts, affection, and so forth, are really important. I also think that it helps that we are a united front when it comes to family values, discipline, and the like. (That doesn't mean we always agree, of course, but we back each other up on the important stuff.)<br />
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But the idea that kids are at the <em>bottom</em> of the list really churns my stomach. They are kids! (Should I underline that for emphasis?) One real-life, tragic example is of a relative who stood by her husband even when her children were being abused by him, and who claimed that it was the biblical thing to do. If, God forbid, something happened and I had to choose between the lives of my children and the lives of my husband, I would choose my children's lives... after all, I'd choose their lives over mine anyday. Children are precious, no matter to whom they were born. Case closed.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div> <br />
But what about the "God" part? My many loved ones who would consider themselves agnostic or atheist might wonder about this. To explain... I think of God as my highest ideals, the source of love and the ultimate. I would put God first - or honestly, I would hope to, but reality says I often fall short - because God, for me, equals life and all of humanity. Life itself is more important than even one precious family, even though, of course, every family is an indivisible part of that big picture. (Clear as mud?) But love conquers all, and it isn't party-loyal to kith and kin, as they say.<br />
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<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">One final postscript: the Dailymail piece is from someone who would be writing for the Reluctant Dad website. The site has got to be a joke, right? <a href="http://www.reluctantdad.com/">http://www.reluctantdad.com/</a> Some people really shouldn't have kids. <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/04/books/04masl.html">http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/04/books/04masl.html</a><br />
<br />
Do these children ever make it to adulthood without hating their fathers or becoming misanthropes? I hope not. What do you think?</div>Melindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09437650527778824442noreply@blogger.com5